Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   If you're talking on your cell phone in a public bathroom, I will flush the toilet over and over so your friend knows *exactly* where you are.

   Other than insecurity, alcoholism, infidelity, and sheer stupidity most of you are pretty much perfect.

   I got a mosquito bite last night... Bet that little guy is pretty hungover today.

   I miss being a kid. My only responsibilities were running around and laughing a lot. And someone else was in charge of my hair.

   The cops came to my house earlier, claiming that my dog had chased someone on a bike. I said "Piss off, my dog doesn't have a bike!"

   I like holding the door for people who are far away, you know so they have to run a little.

   I have to stop saying "How stupid can you be?" I think people are taking it as a challenge.

   Don't think we didn't notice that you deleted your status when no one Liked it.

   I don't need to make better choices, I need better things to choose FROM.

   I've finally collected enough rats asses to give to everyone on my list.

   I'm living in a drama-free bubble today. Respect the bubble, people! Respect it!

   I called my doctor and told her I have an erection that's lasted longer than 4 hours. We're meeting for drinks in 30 minutes.

   2011 Pick Up Lines: "I have a full tank of gas."

   If we're not supposed to have late night snacks.. why is there a light in the fridge?

   We spend so much money on buying different clothes... without realizing the best moments are spent without clothes... ;) :D :P

   You know you're desperate for an answer when you look on the second page of Google.

   Ever see an ugly woman with 3 or more kids, and wonder to yourself, "Who KEEPS f*cking you?!"

   I was alone in the house last night, lying in bed, and all of a sudden I heard someone fart. I didn't know whether to laugh or be scared as hell.

   If you have a problem with me please write it nicely on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope, fold it and shove it up your ass.

   You're not living life right if you don't get just a little bit nervous every time you hear a police siren.