Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Other than insecurity, alcoholism, infidelity, and sheer stupidity most of you are pretty much perfect.

   So have they made a drink called Tequila Mockingbird yet? What the hell are they waiting for???

   Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.

   I got a mosquito bite last night... Bet that little guy is pretty hungover today.

   I miss being a kid. My only responsibilities were running around and laughing a lot. And someone else was in charge of my hair.

   The cops came to my house earlier, claiming that my dog had chased someone on a bike. I said "Piss off, my dog doesn't have a bike!"

   I like holding the door for people who are far away, you know so they have to run a little.

   I have to stop saying "How stupid can you be?" I think people are taking it as a challenge.

   Don't think we didn't notice that you deleted your status when no one Liked it.

   I don't need to make better choices, I need better things to choose FROM.

   I called my doctor and told her I have an erection that's lasted longer than 4 hours. We're meeting for drinks in 30 minutes.

   I've finally collected enough rats asses to give to everyone on my list.

   I'm living in a drama-free bubble today. Respect the bubble, people! Respect it!

   2011 Pick Up Lines: "I have a full tank of gas."

   We spend so much money on buying different clothes... without realizing the best moments are spent without clothes... ;) :D :P

   You know you're desperate for an answer when you look on the second page of Google.

   Ever see an ugly woman with 3 or more kids, and wonder to yourself, "Who KEEPS f*cking you?!"

   I was alone in the house last night, lying in bed, and all of a sudden I heard someone fart. I didn't know whether to laugh or be scared as hell.

   If you have a problem with me please write it nicely on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope, fold it and shove it up your ass.

   You're not living life right if you don't get just a little bit nervous every time you hear a police siren.