KIsstopher Funny Status Messages

   Too many people complain about their looks, but not nearly enough complain about their brains.

   Almost all serial killers are men. That's because women like to kill one man slowly over many, many years.

   The only part I believed in the movie Titanic was when she wouldn't move her fat ass over and let Jack on the raft with her.

   Never underestimate a woman's ability to make you apologize when she is the one who is clearly in the wrong.

   Sometimes, by holding on too tight, you end up losing what you were trying so hard to save. Soap, for example.

   If you really want something, you will find a way. If you don't, you will find an excuse.

   A relationship that’s needs to be validated and reinforced by being constantly paraded on Facebook for the whole world to see is a desperate relationship that will not last.

   Dracula had impeccable hair for a guy who couldn't see himself in a mirror.

   Lord gimme patience...or an untraceable handgun.

   Parents: Where are you going at this time of the night all dressed up like a slut? Daughter: To the bathroom, I need a new Facebook picture.

   I just saw a baby with a t-shirt that said, "I'm what happened in Vegas!”

   Finally...a woman who can make me smile without taking her clothes off.

   That thing where hypnotists snap their fingers and people fall asleep? Do they make that for kids?

   It's 2012. How come some restaurants haven't figured out how to split checks? Nobody wants to take a math test after they eat.

   Someone please tell Facebook that all relationships are complicated.

   When will companies understand their packaging is being opened by human beings not robots?

   Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun?

   I may be on Santa's naughty list but at least I had fun getting there.

   Whenever I screw up at work I'm so glad I'm not a doctor.

   Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.