GaryKoenig Funny Status Messages

   Some days I feel like I'm surrounded by idiots. Other days I realize it's not just some days.

   Marriage tip: If your wife comes home in a bad mood and starts an argument for no reason like she does from time to time, just use this simple phrase: "My mom was right about you". This usually does the trick and stops the argument.

   I've decided my 2025 will start on February 1st. January is a free trial month.

   Sometimes I don't feel like going to work... But then I remember I was born cute, not rich.

   I want a restraining order on everyone who doesn't wear deodorant.

   I need to stop talking to myself. I'm a bad influence.

   Disney has a new movie coming out on Disney + tomorrow. Tinker Tinkerbell meets her brother, Taco.

   You know it's going to be a bad day when your imaginary friend files a restraining order on you.

   Here's how I define marriage: Marriage is finding that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

   It takes skill to trip over cordless phones!

   My ex told me: You'll never find anyone like me. I said: That's the goal.

   I can handle most things in life. But hearing someone chew their food is not one of them.

   Don't buy plastic skeletons for Halloween. It's terrible for the environment. Locally sourced all natural skeletons are more environmentally friendly.

   Someone stole my identity... And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said, "So sorry man. Hope things work out".

   I'm excited to announce that I have completed the first item on my bucket list. I have the bucket.

   Chocolate is a vegetable due to these reasons. Chocolate comes from cocoa, which is processed from cocoa beans, and beans are vegetables.

   Santa put down the pen! I can explain everything!

   To get rid of unwanted junk during the holidays, put it in an Amazon box and leave it on the porch.

   Dear Santa! I want a fat bank account and a sexy body with rock hard abs for Christmas. Let's not get those two mixed up like you did last year.

   Whoever named it Parmesan cheese and not spaghetti confetti missed a great opportunity.