BigSarge Funny Status Messages

   My old VHS s ex tape is probably at some garage sale somewhere labeled "Crocodile Dundee II"

   " Fcuk the Police" ............ Please encourage this!! With the shift work we do protecting your sorry ass it's sometimes hard to meet women. So please encourage your sister and mother to continue your cause!!

   For those of you whose FB picks I stalk late at night, it's only because your dog started barking when I was at your window!!

   BREAKING NEWS: Vladimir Putin moves two Boy Scout Troops to the Russian/Polish boarder. France surrendered

   I can imagine homeless people aren't the biggest fans of little dogs wearing sweaters?

   I stood outside the women's restroom at a restaurant for 40 minutes today reminding ladies to wipe front to back...... Because it takes a village.

   HD porn, because I like to read the serial number on your breast implants.

   What do you mean spray painting "SERVICE ANIMAL" on the side of my dog doesn't make it legal for her to be in Wally World?

   Maybe Obama should have pitched Obamacare on Shark Tank?

   Are raccoons supposed to be inside or outside cats?

   You’ll never get the same results running on a tread mill as you will running from a pi$sed off Pit Bull

   My Ex-Wife once asked me to name a star after her...Fugly-McWh0re-B!t ch is the brightest star in the sky!!!

   Now why would I possibly want to "Follow" your Spanish only speaking Twitter account? Oh look at that, Ginormous huge ti tty selfies? *Now FOLLOWING Tetas Gigantescas

   DAMN!! Obamaphones sure are getting one serious workout these last two nights in Ferguson!!

   Before you cancel my membership you might want to post a sign << Me to manager at my gym because apparently "tickle fairies" aren't allowed in the showers at this gym.

   Sorry officer, Jesus took the wheel right after turning all this water into Budweiser

   98% of my old High School friends here on Facebook used Math tutors to excel in class. The other 13% used me......

   People that will eat food even after they seen that I've pre-licked it to claim ownership, are my only natural predators.

   "Hand wash only" clothing in a man's closet stands for "wear 3 times and then throw away."

   Dear Northern Liberal tree huggers.......Winter Storm Nemo says FU and your global warming!!!