Funny Status Messages

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   messageicon I always regret making a good first impression. Because there's no way I can keep that up for long.
←Rate | 09-27-2019 22:35 by Gripenfelter Comments (0)  

   messageicon For next season’s “survivor” series, let’s get 16 politicians and force them to live on minimum wage.
←Rate | 10-01-2019 04:50 by Crewzey Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you think your job is pointless there's a guy in Germany installing Turn Signals on BMWs.
←Rate | 10-31-2019 19:39 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Website: We use cookies to improve performance. Me: Same
←Rate | 10-18-2019 06:54 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I was up all night wondering, if you get fired at the Unemployment Office, do you just switch to the other side of the desk?
←Rate | 10-17-2019 08:30 Comments (0)  

   messageicon "How many hipsters does it take to change a light bulb?" "It's a really obscure number, you probably haven't heard of it."
←Rate | 08-25-2019 16:18 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving. Better start marinating the beaver.
←Rate | 10-02-2019 05:59 Comments (0)  

   messageicon EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
←Rate | 10-02-2019 06:58 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If they give you a bib for lobster, they should definitely give you a diaper for Taco Bell food.
←Rate | 09-24-2019 15:23 Comments (0)  

   messageicon the phone camera arms race really overestimates the degree to which I want to see my own face in high definition
←Rate | 09-26-2019 05:01 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I'm an adult. Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It's because I'm poor.
←Rate | 11-04-2019 16:19 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you’re arguing loudly on your cell in public, please put it on speaker. I need to hear both sides of the story. ‬
←Rate | 10-21-2019 10:17 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Allow your children to believe in Santa Claus. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining the magic for you .
←Rate | 10-21-2019 14:11 Comments (0)  

   messageicon So are we just going to ignore the fact that all adults have a favorite stovetop burner & no one talks about it
←Rate | 10-21-2019 14:51 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Apparently, walking up behind a girl in the produce isle with celery in my hand and saying "I'm stalking you" was much funnier in my head.
←Rate | 10-23-2019 15:19 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
←Rate | 03-26-2018 14:55 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
←Rate | 08-08-2019 06:04 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Will I be able to drink with these? - First question when prescribed meds
←Rate | 09-24-2019 15:24 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Whenever you're having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
←Rate | 09-26-2019 13:46 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Before Facebook I had to disappoint people in person
←Rate | 09-26-2019 15:28 Comments (0)  

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