Funny Status Messages

   I always regret making a good first impression. Because there's no way I can keep that up for long.

   For next season’s “survivor” series, let’s get 16 politicians and force them to live on minimum wage.

   If you think your job is pointless there's a guy in Germany installing Turn Signals on BMWs.

   Website: We use cookies to improve performance. Me: Same

   I was up all night wondering, if you get fired at the Unemployment Office, do you just switch to the other side of the desk?

   "How many hipsters does it take to change a light bulb?" "It's a really obscure number, you probably haven't heard of it."

   Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving. Better start marinating the beaver.

   EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.

   If they give you a bib for lobster, they should definitely give you a diaper for Taco Bell food.

   the phone camera arms race really overestimates the degree to which I want to see my own face in high definition

   I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I'm an adult. Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It's because I'm poor.

   If you’re arguing loudly on your cell in public, please put it on speaker. I need to hear both sides of the story. ‬

   Allow your children to believe in Santa Claus. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining the magic for you .

   So are we just going to ignore the fact that all adults have a favorite stovetop burner & no one talks about it

   Apparently, walking up behind a girl in the produce isle with celery in my hand and saying "I'm stalking you" was much funnier in my head.

   Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.

   When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.

   Will I be able to drink with these? - First question when prescribed meds

   Whenever you're having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.

   Before Facebook I had to disappoint people in person