Funny Status Messages

   If you’re happy and you know it... wash your hands.

   And just like that, people on Facebook went from being politicians to being epidemiologists.

   The reporter on CNN said that at the end of the day, the thing that will keep you safe is common sense. Some of you are in serious trouble.

   Masks hanging from the rearview mirror are the new fuzzy dice.

   It’s hard to stay humble when someone’s dog chooses you over them.

   A Facebook stranger doesn’t like my opinion. Please respect my privacy during this difficult time. 😂

   I have never met a baby named Gary. It’s like they just start life at 30 years old.

   I’ve done some terrible things for money...... Like getting up early to go to work. ‬

   Now it's too hot out to take the Christmas lights down.

   I'm never more optimistic than when I put fast food restaurant sauce packets in the fridge and think I'm going to use them at some point.

   My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.

   The secret to looking younger is telling people that you are older

   We are gonna have to retire the phrase “avoid it like the plague” because it turns out people don’t do that.

   The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.

   Step 1: remove food from packaging Step 2: dig packaging out of trash to locate cook time

   One of the circus freaks of the future will be the incredible non-tattooed man!

   If at any point in your life you feel useless, just remember there are people on the BMW assembly lines that install turn signals..”

   If you grew up wanting to be a Plumber or a Pizza delivery boy, You watched too much porn as a kid.

   It sucks being a grown up. Nobody tells you you did a good job when you eat all of your food.

   Don't accept any friend requests from Taco Bell.. they're nacho friends