Funny Status Messages

   If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.

   The I before E except after C rule has been disproven by science.

   Every loaf of bread is a tragic story about a field of grain that could have become beer but didn't.

   When does hibernation start? Because I'm 100% participating in that!!

   My Girlfriend says our sex-life is so bad because I get so easily distracted? Ah well!..back to it I suppose!

   I totally understand how batteries feel because I'm rarely ever included in things either.

   There is no such thing as a stupid question except maybe "Isn't about time you IRS guys audited my return?"

   Jerk chicken is just like regular chicken, but it drives a BMW and doesn't care about your feelings.

   My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I can't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

   I need a leaf blower, but for people.

   Something I never said as a kid: My book stopped working.

   I’m “you can only play video games on channel 3” years old.

   Gun sales hit #1 record for a Black Friday sales item.

   I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.

   I hope the next big trend in music is Talent.

   Remember: Every single frozen corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person. Stay lazy, my friends.

   How to make a millenial laugh: tell them you have only 22 photos of your entire childhood.

   Apologies to all you millennials -- the Disney Channel never prepared you for all this.

   When a guy says "I'm Fine" what he is really trying to say is that he is fine.

   Shouldn't there have been at least one scene in The Karate Kid where Daniel's mom was like "Why are you constantly in that old man's shed?"