Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon There was a farmer had a dog and Bingo was is name o. So was Bingo the name of the dog or the farmer ?
←Rate | 09-05-2019 18:21 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Wal-mart is now a gun-free zone. They should change their name to Target.
←Rate | 09-05-2019 15:41 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I just helped my neighbor take an old rolled up carpet to the landfill. Her husband would have done it but he's out of town.
←Rate | 09-05-2019 15:12 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The waitress asked if I was done with that, I said yes but I'm married to it.
←Rate | 09-05-2019 12:13 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn't look like we're six days into battling a poltergeist.
←Rate | 09-05-2019 12:12 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Don't you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
←Rate | 09-05-2019 12:11 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?” Me, “Please...I have a family.”
←Rate | 09-05-2019 12:11 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I drove by two different First Baptist churches today. One of them is lying.
←Rate | 09-05-2019 12:10 Comments (0)  

   messageicon An elementary school teacher's most important job is to tell one kid per year they'll never amount to sh*t in order to spark their rap career
←Rate | 09-05-2019 12:10 Comments (0)  

   messageicon It's all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he's driving a hearse.
←Rate | 09-05-2019 12:09 Comments (0)  

   messageicon *adds 50lb of bird seed to cart* Acme online: people who buy this also buy - bird-feeder - giant mouse trap - jet-propelled pogo stick - painting fake tunnels for dummies -first aid kit - anvil
←Rate | 09-05-2019 12:09 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
←Rate | 09-05-2019 12:08 Comments (0)  

   messageicon After further investigation, it was determined that Kevin Hart’s booster seat was not fastened correctly.
←Rate | 09-05-2019 08:27 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
←Rate | 09-05-2019 06:27 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond* Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
←Rate | 09-05-2019 06:26 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I'm in Solitaire confinement.
←Rate | 09-05-2019 06:26 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
←Rate | 09-05-2019 06:25 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Can't make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor's chicken coop.
←Rate | 09-05-2019 06:25 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
←Rate | 09-05-2019 06:15 Comments (0)  

   messageicon horrifying if literal: the electric slide
←Rate | 09-05-2019 06:15 Comments (0)  

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