Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Me, looking at the calendar: It's August already?? WTF!
←Rate | 08-02-2018 15:17 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Who ever invented the knock knock joke should get the no bell prize.
←Rate | 08-02-2018 14:51 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon [first date] Him: Let's take the stairs! Me: I think we should see other people.
←Rate | 08-02-2018 13:23 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I travel a lot. Recently I was over there on the other couch
←Rate | 08-02-2018 13:09 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Sometimes it takes me all day to get nothing done.
←Rate | 08-02-2018 13:08 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My comfort zone is any place that I don’t have to wear pants.
←Rate | 08-02-2018 13:07 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I reserve anal sex for special occasions. First dates for example.
←Rate | 08-02-2018 08:38 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way. Oh, wait…
←Rate | 08-02-2018 07:34 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm a proud member of the Exaggerators Club. Membership 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 and growing.
←Rate | 08-02-2018 07:31 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You never hear anyone singing, wishing they can all be Alabama girls.
←Rate | 08-01-2018 23:50 Comments (2)  

   messageicon what did the California politician say to the restaurant manager ? this is the last straw
←Rate | 08-01-2018 23:15 by Eddy Comments (0)  

   messageicon Why is it that Tampax advertisements always shows women ice skating, dancing or playing tennis. The only activity my wife partakes in at that time of the month is biting my head off.
←Rate | 08-01-2018 21:44 by Haha Comments (0)  

   messageicon To make perfect chilli only use 239 beans. If you add one more it willbe too farty.
←Rate | 08-01-2018 18:13 by Haha Comments (0)  

   messageicon Cat: Hey. Me: Hey cat. Cat: What are you doing? Me: Smoking a joint, I think I'm stone. Cat: Ya think?
←Rate | 08-01-2018 17:43 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon Axe came out with 2 new body sprays. I'm having a hard time deciding between "My mom is picking me up at 8:30" and "Can I touch your bra"
←Rate | 08-01-2018 17:22 by BobbyT Comments (0)  

   messageicon I need ID to buy a case of coke now. Interesting....
←Rate | 08-01-2018 14:47 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The British Navy was able to defeat the Spanish Armada because they knew how to get more miles to the Galleon.
←Rate | 08-01-2018 13:24 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I got an email from Google Earth saying it can read maps backwards, but then I thought... That's just spam.
←Rate | 08-01-2018 11:01 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I think maybe I will open a gym for fat English people and call it Downton Flabby.
←Rate | 08-01-2018 10:40 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I believe in Karma, so if there is a child sitting in the seat in front of me on an airplane, I kick the back of his seat for the whole trip.
←Rate | 08-01-2018 10:36 Comments (0)  

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