Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Banana peel, coffee grounds, pizza crust, beer bottles, tomato soup can, paper plates, sales receipts..... Don't mind me, I'm just talking trash.
←Rate | 11-06-2019 13:11 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I could be a morning person if morning happened after 11.
←Rate | 11-06-2019 13:11 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I’ve never considered myself much of a conspiracy theorist. Then I discovered the letters in Frito Lay could be rearranged to spell "Oily Fart"........- Coincidence?… I think not!!!
←Rate | 11-06-2019 13:10 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Ladies and Gentleman, I’ve traveled a long way, crossed many bridges, fought my way through countless obstacles, all to bring you this one sad truth about life. There’s never enough beer.
←Rate | 11-06-2019 13:10 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I’ve probably wasted a solid year of my life just staring into the fridge.
←Rate | 11-06-2019 13:07 Comments (0)  

   messageicon wife is like a hand grenade. Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
←Rate | 11-06-2019 13:06 Comments (0)  

   messageicon PETA says that today's turkeys are being bred to have such large breasts, they're dying of heart attacks. I don't want to be insensitive, but that's still better than getting your head chopped off.
←Rate | 11-06-2019 13:06 Comments (0)  

   messageicon For 9 months I used to think I was trapped in a woman’s body…............ Then I was born.
←Rate | 11-06-2019 13:06 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you say I'm getting fat again Aunt Betty, I'll make a "anything for 5 dollars" ad on Craigslist with your name and number.
←Rate | 11-06-2019 13:04 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Very Cool Person: It's four-twenty, you know what that means? Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
←Rate | 11-06-2019 13:03 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My grandfather invented the cold air balloon. It never really took off.
←Rate | 11-06-2019 12:37 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I would say Kid Rock must be an Adult Rock by now.
←Rate | 11-06-2019 11:26 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I wonder when people without cars pick their noses…
←Rate | 11-06-2019 11:25 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If money can’t buy happiness explain pizza.
←Rate | 11-06-2019 11:24 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Here is a thought for all you mind readers out there
←Rate | 11-06-2019 11:23 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
←Rate | 11-06-2019 11:22 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Overheard at grocery store: Paper or plastic, sir? Doesn’t matter. I'm bisacksual.
←Rate | 11-06-2019 11:22 Comments (0)  

   messageicon 2012 - People dance to Gangam Style 2017 - Despacito 2019 - Baby Shark
←Rate | 11-06-2019 11:16 Comments (0)  

   messageicon That one friend who always gives relationship advice, but is still single. 33 replies 171 retweets 972 likes
←Rate | 11-06-2019 11:15 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
←Rate | 11-06-2019 11:08 Comments (0)  

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