Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Step 1: remove food from packaging Step 2: dig packaging out of trash to locate cook time
←Rate | 05-14-2018 15:01 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The only permanent cure for snoring is a sledgehammer.
←Rate | 05-14-2018 14:57 Comments (0)  

   messageicon ME: “We have a problem, the liquor store is closed.” HER: “That's ok, I don’t drink.” ME: “Ok we have two problems.”
←Rate | 05-14-2018 14:47 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Finally found my wife's G spot....... Her sister had it all along.
←Rate | 05-14-2018 14:39 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon Confuciushe says: Man who fight with wife all day, gets no piece at night.
←Rate | 05-14-2018 14:34 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon Relationships are like a game of cards... "You've got to know when to hold 'em, Know when to fold 'em, Know when to walk away and know when to run"
←Rate | 05-14-2018 14:21 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I refer to avocados a "Shrekticles" because, you know....
←Rate | 05-14-2018 12:32 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm no English major, but shouldn't Apple's Tim Cook have encouraged those graduates to "think differently"??
←Rate | 05-14-2018 12:15 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Haikus are fun / But sometimes they make no sense / Refrigerator.
←Rate | 05-14-2018 10:49 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm so old I remember when sex was dirty and the air was clean.
←Rate | 05-14-2018 10:11 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Trust is just something that was made up to sell relationships
←Rate | 05-14-2018 08:33 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Before we begin, I’d like to get a little weird.
←Rate | 05-14-2018 08:32 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I was trying to think of something really deep to post this morning. The Mariana Trench comes to mind.
←Rate | 05-14-2018 06:43 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I can't believe I was born without my permission.
←Rate | 05-14-2018 00:04 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Today I made sushi at home for the first time. I subsituted a hotdog for the raw tuna, a bun for the rice, and mustard for the wasabi!
←Rate | 05-13-2018 20:26 by @UncleBSolomon Comments (0)  

   messageicon Bruce Jenner must be so confused today
←Rate | 05-13-2018 09:32 Comments (0)  

   messageicon remember moms, if you smell burnt toast you're not having a stroke...its the kids trying to make breakfast
←Rate | 05-12-2018 20:32 by Eddy Comments (0)  

   messageicon God gave us shins so we could find things in the dark.
←Rate | 05-12-2018 16:53 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon My wife and I broke because of my gambling...... I hit the lottery and left her.
←Rate | 05-12-2018 16:51 by Jake Comments (1)  

   messageicon Trump is such a horrible politician. I can't believe that he's actually doing what he promised he would do before the election.
←Rate | 05-12-2018 15:56 Comments (1)  

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