Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I just received a letter from my crush on Valentine's Day. Well, technically it's a restraining order, but still....
←Rate | 02-14-2018 16:40 by MDS Comments (0)  

   messageicon Happy Valentines Day to the happy couple, Donald Trump & Stormy Daniels.
←Rate | 02-14-2018 14:03 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Oh, my bad. It's Ash Wednesday, with an 'h'... Sorry, honey. You can go back to sleep.
←Rate | 02-14-2018 06:11 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I went to the Grocery store and saw that Duracell batteries were on sale just before Valentine's Day. These guys are marketing genius
←Rate | 02-14-2018 03:55 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Salt and sugar look the same. Be careful who you trust.
←Rate | 02-13-2018 21:01 by Justathought Comments (0)  

   messageicon I tell kids in high school if you wanna feel what its like to be drunk. Just spin around in circles as fast as you can for 15 seconds and try to walk a straight line after.
←Rate | 02-13-2018 19:53 by OmahaNebraska Comments (0)  

   messageicon People don't notice the things that you do for them untill you stop doing them.
←Rate | 02-13-2018 16:22 by Justathought Comments (0)  

   messageicon If dentist make money from people with bad teeth. Why should we use a toothpaste that 4 out of 5 of them reconmend?
←Rate | 02-13-2018 16:18 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
←Rate | 02-13-2018 13:13 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Valentine's Day coming up. I got chocolate covered Plan B's. HMU
←Rate | 02-13-2018 12:24 by Vic Comments (0)  

   messageicon I always carry a flute with me in case I see deer or rabbits frolicking in a sunny meadow.
←Rate | 02-13-2018 10:57 Comments (0)  

   messageicon It's safe to assume that more pubes are shaved on February 13th than any other day of the year
←Rate | 02-13-2018 07:41 by MDS Comments (0)  

   messageicon "We be bobsleddin'." The Winter Olympics Bobsled Team
←Rate | 02-13-2018 07:22 by PastaFazool Comments (0)  

   messageicon My main job as a husband is to taste things that my wife thinks smell like they've gone bad and tell her if they taste bad or not.
←Rate | 02-13-2018 07:05 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Often, when I am reading a good book I stop and thank my teacher. Well, I used to. Until she got that restraining order.
←Rate | 02-13-2018 06:56 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I don't really WANT to make bad choices; but I'm always late and all the good choices are already taken.
←Rate | 02-13-2018 06:52 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Can't wait till Feb 15th.........otherwise known as 1/2 price chocolate/Cake day
←Rate | 02-13-2018 03:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I find it very irritating when someone knocks on the door then when you ask who it is they say 'ME' .Like if I knew who it was I wouldn't have asked, Seriously Now!
←Rate | 02-13-2018 03:13 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Why did the Chicken cross the road? To show Possums it can be done!~
←Rate | 02-12-2018 22:21 by Briannnnnnnn Comments (0)  

   messageicon Most teenagers are treated like children. But are expected to act like adults.
←Rate | 02-12-2018 20:01 by Justathought Comments (0)  

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