Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon This morning My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
←Rate | 06-11-2019 06:45 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Billion dollar Idea: Pepperoni staples for when the cheese keeps sliding off your pizza
←Rate | 06-11-2019 06:44 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued. Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
←Rate | 06-11-2019 06:44 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My Wife just told me to take my phone and stick it where the sun don't shine. So I just booked a $553 flight to Seattle. Women make no sense some days.
←Rate | 06-11-2019 06:44 Comments (0)  

   messageicon [training the new person at work] Them: so you do this everyday? Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
←Rate | 06-11-2019 06:43 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
←Rate | 06-11-2019 06:43 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Happy birthday to Ed Lowe, the man who invented Kitty Litter. Here's what I admire about Ed Lowe. Here was a guy who was thinking inside the box.
←Rate | 06-11-2019 06:43 Comments (0)  

   messageicon A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking. Am I a stalker?
←Rate | 06-11-2019 06:42 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Ever notice that Naps are tricky because you either wake up refreshed and relaxed or you have a headache, dry throat, drooling, or unaware of what year you’re in.
←Rate | 06-11-2019 06:42 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Doctor's orders say at least 30 crunches a day....That's an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot.
←Rate | 06-11-2019 06:42 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Nothing you can ever accomplish will make your parents any happier than the first time you slept through the night.
←Rate | 06-11-2019 06:41 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My wife thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it's cause I'm afraid she might try to poison me.
←Rate | 06-11-2019 06:41 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The Golden State Warriors are losing the NBA championship on purpose because they don't want to visit the White House.
←Rate | 06-10-2019 01:30 Comments (0)  

   messageicon someone needs to make a cereal that's in the shape of little cows...when you add the milk, you're milking the cows
←Rate | 06-09-2019 08:38 by Eddy Comments (0)  

   messageicon We lost our moon to Mars? This is so saddening.
←Rate | 06-08-2019 22:50 Comments (0)  

   messageicon lot of traffic and your Alexa ranking isn’t as strong as it could be.
←Rate | 06-07-2019 04:01 by JamesAntolli Comments (0)  

   messageicon i dropped a dollar on the floor & my nephew ate it. a few hours later he pooped it out. idk why he did didn't make cents
←Rate | 06-07-2019 02:01 by Eddy Comments (0)  

   messageicon I finally finished reading “Great Expectations “ . It wasn’t all I hoped for.
←Rate | 06-06-2019 20:33 by Cicci Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm no good at push ups, or pull ups or sit ups...I'm pretty good at f**k ups though.
←Rate | 06-06-2019 14:20 by @wiz_of_sarcasm Comments (0)  

   messageicon Alcohol is the lube I use to slide through life.
←Rate | 06-06-2019 14:13 by @wiz_of_sarcasm Comments (0)  

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