Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I think tomorrow I'll put on a T-Shirt that says "LIFE" and then go downtown and pass out lemons.
←Rate | 04-19-2019 08:12 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I have one of the best memories of all time, but I can never remember what I did.
←Rate | 04-18-2019 23:59 Comments (0)  

   messageicon First that idiot cut me off in traffic, then he steals my parking spot, and now his stupid car got paint on my key!
←Rate | 04-18-2019 19:52 by MiMisHouse Comments (0)  

   messageicon I rather be sleepy or crazy than doppy.
←Rate | 04-18-2019 19:33 Comments (1)  

   messageicon I have a friend who can tap dance backwards. His name is Pat
←Rate | 04-18-2019 17:02 by Eddy Comments (0)  

   messageicon Don't you hate people who doesn't know how to use commas?
←Rate | 04-18-2019 06:36 Comments (3)  

   messageicon Finally, my winter fat is gone, now all I have are spring rolls
←Rate | 04-17-2019 07:22 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My way of asking a girl I like out on a date is to say "Will you run away with me to have coffee?" that works like a charm.
←Rate | 04-16-2019 14:03 by Moon Comments (0)  

   messageicon Check to see if your kids are asleep in their bed late at night by turning off the WIFI.
←Rate | 04-16-2019 08:41 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Okay, time to be productive!....or in other words log out of facebook. Which by the way is the secret to my success.
←Rate | 04-15-2019 22:12 by Moon Comments (0)  

   messageicon Getting gas. I noticed the person before me on pump 3 bought $1 worth. Where the hell were they going? To pump 4?
←Rate | 04-15-2019 11:10 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Beer is now cheaper than gas. Don't drink and drive.
←Rate | 04-14-2019 20:59 Comments (0)  

   messageicon One of the best days as a young adult is moving out on your own. One of the worst days is realizing a package of toilet paper cost $10...
←Rate | 04-14-2019 11:53 Comments (0)  

   messageicon As a kid I was always wearing shoes too big and didn’t know why until one day I remembered my childhood and my dad saying - walk a mile in mine.
←Rate | 04-14-2019 11:22 by Smeebert Comments (0)  

   messageicon Shoutout to the guy driving the BMW who gave me the finger after I honked at you. Your cell phone's on top of your car!
←Rate | 04-12-2019 21:53 by Moon Comments (0)  

   messageicon Your belly button is just a mouth that you don't use anymore.
←Rate | 04-12-2019 13:08 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Findings from meetings and conferences: "The only thing that often comes out of a meeting is the people who went in."
←Rate | 04-11-2019 10:47 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
←Rate | 04-11-2019 09:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I must be getting old. The only haircut I need is in my nose and ears.
←Rate | 04-11-2019 09:13 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Just got back from my psychiatrist appointment this morning. After 10 minutes of chatting She told me I had a split personality and charged me $360.... I gave her $180 and told her to get the rest from the other idiot.
←Rate | 04-11-2019 09:13 Comments (0)  

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