Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I do squats so I don’t have to work on my personality.
←Rate | 01-10-2020 06:30 Comments (0)  

   messageicon A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
←Rate | 01-10-2020 06:30 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Just so everyone knows: The bank shut down my debit card because it suspected fraudulent activity and the purchase I had to review was two tickets to see CATS
←Rate | 01-10-2020 06:29 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
←Rate | 01-10-2020 06:29 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Now days crappy guys only want one thing from a woman. Back in the old days, they wanted them to also do the dishes and keep house.
←Rate | 01-09-2020 18:25 by Starman Comments (0)  

   messageicon I want to play Dodge Ball with random people who don't know they are playing.
←Rate | 01-09-2020 18:21 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm so old I remember when friends had to inviting you over if they wanted to share what they were having for dinner.
←Rate | 01-09-2020 14:36 by Moon Comments (0)  

   messageicon Given the species' reputation, you'd think Bugs Bunny would have more relatives.
←Rate | 01-09-2020 09:48 Comments (0)  

   messageicon What it all boils down to is evaporation.
←Rate | 01-09-2020 09:39 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Three things I’m thankful for this time of year: Family, Friends and Caller ID to avoid the first two things.
←Rate | 01-09-2020 08:17 Comments (0)  

   messageicon INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job? ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
←Rate | 01-09-2020 08:06 Comments (0)  

   messageicon So it's not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that's driving an armored truck. I know that now.
←Rate | 01-09-2020 08:05 Comments (0)  

   messageicon It's getting warmer. The polar vortex that put the country into a deep freeze that past few years is now up north in Canada. Finally, payback for giving us Justin Bieber and Celine Dion.
←Rate | 01-09-2020 06:32 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Writing a book - it's about a good looking high level general in an Islamic country that wants to change his daily routine. So he makes a deal with a world power to fake his death. In return for his intel, he gets a massive payout & 70 hookers in Miami!
←Rate | 01-08-2020 18:20 by Kado Comments (0)  

   messageicon It finally dawned on me why I was bad at math. I noticed during school lunch that my sandwiches were only cut in half. The smart kids' sandwiches were cut into trapezoids and parallelograms.
←Rate | 01-08-2020 17:16 by Fazzy Comments (0)  

   messageicon [Morgan Freeman narrating my life] "He's still sleeping.
←Rate | 01-08-2020 11:42 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Preventing wars while protecting a nation's interests is hard. Starting them while serving only your own interests is easy.
←Rate | 01-08-2020 07:04 Comments (0)  

   messageicon "Have a nice day, unless you've made other plans."
←Rate | 01-08-2020 06:24 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Pancakes: Because NO, you cannot have cake for breakfast, but you can have fried cake for breakfast.
←Rate | 01-07-2020 13:50 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I can’t wait for next week when the gym is empty again.
←Rate | 01-07-2020 13:49 Comments (0)  

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