Jake Funny Status Messages

   I'm getting so old, I need to take a nap so I'll have the energy to go to bed. :)

   . My mother in-law is drowning, I've informed emergency services. Hope they get my letter in time to save her.

   A friend ask me why I haven't married yet. I said if I didn't have to live with my wife I would get married.

   I stopped complaining about my insomnia when I found out most of my relatives died in their sleep.

   Divorce: A legal document for married people to hate each other.

   Boss at meeting said it would nice if you employees would start showing me a little respect. One employee replied oh we show you as little respect as possible.

   When someone says "good luck with that" are they being nice or sarcastic?

   After just winning a four month battle with my oven clock it's dayligit saving time and back to the battle.

   Wives are like newspapers. They have a new issue every day

   You always hear the wife complain about their husband leaving the toilet seat up. But you'll never hear the husband complain about the wife leaving the toilet seat down.

   The real reason Trump has fired so many people is, he really likes eating their going away cake.

   While weighting my self on the bathroom scale I sucked in my gut. My wife laugh and said do you think that's help you weigh less ? I said no but it does help me to see how much I weigh.

   When things get to stressful I hit the jim.......... Beam.

   I've been hard at work all day today. I accidentally took a viagra pill in stead of my vitamin this morning.

   My kids treat me like a god. They ignore my existence untill they need something.

   A university's study of the human brain said the only difference between a wowan's brain and a man's brain is that the woman's brain is located in their head.

   I called the vet. and told him that my wife willbe dropping by with our old cat. Can you euthanizer her without any pain? Sure he said, but will the cat find it's way back home alone?

   Watched my cat play with a ball of yarn for 5 minutes. And thougt how easily their entertained. Then realized, I just watched my cat play with a ball of yarn for 5 minutes.

   Conflicting emotions: Watching your mother in-law drive off a cliff in your brand new car.

   Roses are red, violets are blue. I've got five fingers, and just one is for you.