MBH Funny Status Messages

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   messageicon The sweetest voice mail message at work is "Ignore my last message. I took care of it."
←Rate | 08-31-2010 13:49 by MBH Comments (0)  

   messageicon When I have kids I hope that they are grateful and can appreciate the value of a dollar... not always requesting designer clothes, the best and newest toys and video games, and non-generic food. In other words, I hope they are nothing like me.
←Rate | 08-31-2010 13:51 by MBH Comments (0)  

   messageicon My prescription's instructions say to take 1 pill "by mouth." This begs the questions: Is there, in fact, a version of this I can take "by butt?" And if so, why the hell has doc been holding out on me???
←Rate | 08-31-2010 13:44 by MBH Comments (1)  

   messageicon I was not surprised to hear the obese woman in front of me in the Funnel Cake line say, "I only come to the fair to eat." However, I was skeptical when she added, "I like that I can eat AND walk around."
←Rate | 08-31-2010 12:58 by MBH Comments (0)  

   messageicon With a name like "Earl," I'm more afraid this hurricane will get drunk and beat a pregnant woman, than I am that it will cause flooding.
←Rate | 09-01-2010 19:25 by MBH Comments (0)  

   messageicon Your eyes make the stars look like they're not shining.
←Rate | 08-22-2010 18:03 by MBH Comments (1)  

   messageicon A watched pot never boils. But an unwatched pot boils dry and burns. Is there a happy medium?
←Rate | 09-06-2010 11:29 by MBH Comments (0)  

   messageicon I see myself as a huge fiery comet, a shooting star. Everyone stops, points up and says, "Oh look at that!" Then whoosh, and I'm gone... and they'll never see anything like it ever again... and they won't be able to forget me - ever.
←Rate | 08-26-2010 23:35 by MBH Comments (0)  

   messageicon No meal tastes as delicious as the meal that someone else cooks.
←Rate | 08-25-2010 12:26 by MBH Comments (0)  

   messageicon When I see a bumper sticker that says "Bring home the Troops," I mentally finish the sentence with "then send in the Ninjas."
←Rate | 09-01-2010 18:51 by MBH Comments (0)  

   messageicon I still stop conversations to join in for that "Hey! Must be the money!" part of the song.
←Rate | 08-23-2010 05:36 by MBH Comments (0)  

   messageicon Driving school wouldn't be so bad if cops started giving tickets to all the hot girls they pull over.
←Rate | 08-22-2010 18:14 by MBH Comments (0)  

   messageicon Mr. Dentist you can b*tch at me all day to start flossing, but the truth is I'm more likely to watch Jersey Shore than I am to floss. I'd rather have a pincone shoved up my a$$ than watch jersey shore. So unless you've got a pinecone, stop wasting my time
←Rate | 08-25-2010 22:54 by MBH Comments (0)  

   messageicon Yeah, come on over we're just pre-gaming for the grocery store.
←Rate | 08-25-2010 23:21 by MBH Comments (0)  

   messageicon Does all this updating my Facebook status make my ego look fat?
←Rate | 09-01-2010 19:11 by MBH Comments (8)  

   messageicon Girls, if you think you can "do better" we know you want a guy that makes more money. Guys, if you think you can "do better" we know you want a girl you like seeing naked... better.
←Rate | 08-31-2010 13:06 by MBH Comments (0)  

   messageicon Every top 10 list I've ever seen has at least two entries that are clearly better than number 1... especially when it comes to the preseason College Football poles.
←Rate | 08-31-2010 12:38 by MBH Comments (6)  

   messageicon Captain Obvious must have been the last superhero name available.
←Rate | 08-25-2010 12:32 by MBH Comments (0)  

   messageicon My friend was at a strip club and a girl came over and shook her goods for him while he talked to a friend not even looking at her. She said, "Scrw you, you didn't tip or even look at me?!?" Embarrassed, he gave her $20. My buddy got guilt stripped.
←Rate | 08-31-2010 13:04 by MBH Comments (0)  

   messageicon My invisible make believe deity can beat up your invisible make believe deity
←Rate | 08-31-2010 19:29 by MBH Comments (1)  

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