Kisstopher707 Funny Status Messages

   I'd love to come to your holiday party and stare at my phone all night.

   People think that in Africa we ride lions and elephants to work. That's ridiculous, we don't have jobs.

   We used to watch the news to find out the truth. If you're looking for the truth now, the last thing you'd want to watch is the news.

   If you like her, tell her. Don't friendzone yourself. Have some balls. Be a man.

   It's actually the voices outside my head that bothers me the most.

   When it comes to a recipe for a disaster, some people thrive on being the main ingredient.

   Sometimes you have got to talk to a 3year old toddler in order to understand the meaning of happiness in life.

   Behind every man there is a woman wondering if going to jail for murder is as bad as it sounds.

   I hate when the whole Internet mourns someone’s death & I have to Google them to find out if they were a politician, an athlete or a Muppet.

   Transformation Tuesday! Throwback Thursday! Flashback Friday! Never underestimate a woman's ability to find a reason to post a selfie.

   If you're looking for me to be more tasteful and tender, marinate me in whiskey.

   No one understands you better than some crazy weirdos on the internet.

   Some of these girls look like they masturbate to their own selfies.

   I'm the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body, but if you betray me, just remember: I know how to hide a dead body.

   Can Walmart be a feeling? I'm pretty sure that's how I'm feeling today.

   Its not stretching if it doesn't involve crazy dinosaur noises.

   This Facebook is really cutting into my other time wasting activities.

   I like people the most when I'm by myself.

   Yes, those diamonds in your teeth are shiny, but your vocabulary is still limited and now you have a speech impediment.

   Pro tip: when you wake up, reach for your GF's boobs before reaching for your phone to check your Facebook. Women love that.