Kisstopher707 Funny Status Messages

   Behind every man there is a woman wondering if going to jail for murder is as bad as it sounds.

   Some of these girls look like they masturbate to their own selfies.

   No one understands you better than some crazy weirdos on the internet.

   If you're looking for me to be more tasteful and tender, marinate me in whiskey.

   I'm the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body, but if you betray me, just remember: I know how to hide a dead body.

   Can Walmart be a feeling? I'm pretty sure that's how I'm feeling today.

   This Facebook is really cutting into my other time wasting activities.

   I like people the most when I'm by myself.

   Its not stretching if it doesn't involve crazy dinosaur noises.

   Pro tip: when you wake up, reach for your GF's boobs before reaching for your phone to check your Facebook. Women love that.

   Yes, those diamonds in your teeth are shiny, but your vocabulary is still limited and now you have a speech impediment.

   A friend doesn't question your motive, they just keep their mouth shut and dig.

   I graduated at the top of my anger management class

   Sometimes you have got to talk to a 3year old toddler in order to understand the meaning of happiness in life.

   "There's strength in numbers" I whisper to my 9th slice of pizza.

   If you think my jokes are bad, you should see my choice in women.

   My diet can be best described as carb loading for a marathon I'll never run.

   Just ate a salad when I could've eaten a cheeseburger. Where's my reward? I should get an award, right? Maybe a cheeseburger.

   Today has me seriously evaluating my policy of not drinking on the job.

   I'm at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.