Kisstopher707 Funny Status Messages

   If “too drunk to stand” is a yoga pose, then I’m nailing that one.

   Welcome to WebMD. Type quickly, you don't have long to live.

   I didn't have any girl to spoil for Christmas this year so my bank balance is looking healthy.

   It's either you wear crocs or you have a sex life. Can't have both.

   I'm clingy, but not " Simon Cowell's t-shirt" clingy.

   Whenever I see a happy couple, smiling, giggling, feeding each other food, whispering sweet nothings, very much in love, I just wish I could give them a lie-detector test.

   Wish there were more love songs about naps and liqour.

   Ladies, not every guy who talks to you wants to bang you. Some of us know that you have booze and snacks in your purse.

   I call the other side of my bed the Passenger side. It only makes sense.

   The more selfies she has, the more times you'll have to tell her she's pretty everyday.

   You don't have to believe in a book to be a nice person and treat people right.

   Plan B and pregnancy tests should be sold at the Liquor Store as a 'one stop shop' kinda thing. Save all that judgment for one cashier.

   You would think there would be at least one extraterrestrial in a Miss Universe contest.

   Vodka can be mixed with anything, including more vodka.

   Wait, don't go. I can ruin it some more.

   Every date is the first date if you get black out drunk every time.

   Like medicine, some people should only be allowed to talk in doses. Like 30 sentences three times a day.

   Thanks, Michael Douglas, for ruining the ONLY time I'm not worrying about cancer.

   If you're happy and you know it go away.

   Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.