Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Never hit a woman. No matter how bad the sandwich is.

   Had a dream last night. I knew it was a dream immediately because the therapist agreed with me, the ex apologized, and I was wearing pants.

   The worst part about waking up alone is not having someone to kick out of bed to make me coffee.

   When I don't have a good status... you end up wasting your time reading sh*t like this.

   This girl last night claimed that she'd rather perform oral sex on a diseased monkey than go out with me. Well, she's in luck, 'cause I've got a friend who works at the zoo, and he owes me one...

   Having female friends is a lot like having a pet tiger. Fun in theory, but you're always waiting for the day they turn on you.

   Saw a lady with back boobs at the beach. People with back boobs should wear backini's.

   It's that time of year again when our thoughts should turn to those less well off in our towns and cities, so remember to lock your doors and windows...

   I am going shopping today. Well, I don't wanna go but this girl I'm stalking is on her way there so I have no choice.

   My girlfriend told me to grow a pear... What the hell does fruit have to do with killing this spider?

   If someone has something bad to say about you, it's probably because they have nothing good to say about themselves.

   Those who complain the most accomplish the least.

   Have they invented a cure for morning people yet?

   I said "Just gimme the usual" to the waitress at a restaurant I've never been to. And now I wait...

   FYI: Taking permanent marker and writting Aeropostale on Fruit of the Loom tee shirts will NOT fool your teenager.

   My "We had to walk 5 miles uphill in the snow just to get to school" story will be about it taking 4 hours to download an mp3 with a 28k modem in 1995.

   Car dealerships: it doesn't matter how many balloons you put on the cars, I'm not going to randomly decide to pull in and buy one.

   F*CK You ↑ You ↖ You ↗ You ↙ You → You ↓ You ↩ You ↪ You ↬ You ↫ You ↪ You ↩ You ↲ You ↯ You ↱ You ↰ You ↷ You ↳ You ↶ You ↴ You ↵ And You ↺

   If voting made any difference they wouldn't let us do it.

   When everyone was giving apples to their teachers, I was the one giving cucumbers... Still to this day, Mr. Smith won't look me in the eyes.