Marshall The Great Funny Status Messages

   Sometimes I text my mom just because the thought of her staring puzzled at her phone trying to find her texts is difficult to resist.

   You know when you are about to say something, but that little voice of reason prevents you from it? Explain this to me, people like you fascinate me.

   I think experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

   Dryer broke, microwave works, laundry is now dry.

   There's a very short list of things you can have in your hand while running without looking crazy.

   The bearded lady, the guy with all the body piercings, the dude with 14 toes, the geek biting the chickens head off... Yep, I'm in WalMart.

   I swallowed a quarter once on a bet. And you thought fumbling through your pockets for loose change at the checkout was a pain in the ass...

   There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.

   I'm so hungry that my stomach stopped growling. Now its just whimpering.

   I'm never sure how much ball cleavage to show when I wear my Casual Friday Jean Shorts

   Ever wondered why there is a stairway to heaven, and a highway to hell? There's apparently more traffic going to hell!!!

   If we are in a car and I love the song that just came on the radio and you turn it down to tell me something, please know that I will cut you.

   Go down a waterslide while it isn't wet and then you'll underdstand why foreplay is so important. - That's what she said.

   No no NO! The lace pillows go ON TOP of the pink ones, THEN the clown doll. Jesus Christ. It's like you've never made a bed before. - My next ex-girlfriend

   Why do men fart more than women? Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

   Whenever I'm leaving the work bathroom and I see the cleaning lady waiting, we exchange the knowing look that I just crapped in her office.

   I caught my girlfriend sliding down the hand rails of our stairs over and over... I asked her what she was doing, she said "I'm heating up your dinner!!!"

   Everyone has three lives: their public life, private life, and secret life.

   My phone auto-corrected "haha" to "hahahaha" -- um, yea it was funny, but let's keep our pants on.

   Hey guys, I really need your help. I'm trying to patch things up with my ex-girlfriend so I'm thinking of writing her a poem. What rhymes with, "I still hate you, you f*cking b!tch!" ??