Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   100% of the people that talk sh!t about your life, have sh!ttier lives than you.

   MTV has announced the cancellation of the show "Jersey Shore." Please join me in a moment of silence. OK, that was too long.

   Some girls seem to think that LOVE stands for Legs Open Very Easy!

   Know that stunning girl who says naughty things and constantly posts pics of herself? I GUARANTEE you'd be SICK of her in like two weeks.

   Ever wonder what your face is doing when you aren't paying attention?

   The Walkman is offically dead. We had some good times in the 80's, and early 90's. You're in a better place now. RIP

   ■Twitter makes me like strangers I've never met and Facebook makes me dislike people I know in real life.

   Thanks to M&M ads, I constantly hear tiny screams whenever I eat them.

   Boss just calls me into work for a quick favor & the first thing he asks me is "Are you sober?" I said "Define sober." He hangs up. I win...

   B!tch, You're a booty call, stop putting your relationship status as "it's complicated."

   My girl walked in on me while I was on MySpace. I quickly switched it to a porn site just to save myself from an embarrassment.

   I started doing one of those 10,000 piece puzzles last night and it only took me an hour to flip the table over and start drinking hard liquor.

   I like using big words to sounds smart: utilizing gargantuan idioms to fabricate intelligence.

   Knowledge is power... and I see a lot of weakness.

   You make a valid point, but there is a major flaw in your argument. You assume that I'm listening to you.

   My dad gave me some advice a few years ago. He said, "Allan, if you ever get into a fight in the bar, just take a ball from the pool table and put it in your sock." Worst advice ever, I could hardly walk.

   I've reached that time of day between "coffee wearing off" and "murdering my co-worker."

   I stopped listening when you said "No."

   Sometimes I text my mom just because the thought of her staring puzzled at her phone trying to find her texts is difficult to resist.

   One man's "trauma" is another man's "most hilarious thing I've ever seen."