Funny Status Messages

   I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.

   We're gonna have to paint potatoes this Easter ya'll.

   F*** friends with benefits, give me bedable arrangements.

   The stock market has LOST 5 trillion dollars in 3 weeks... Donald Trump is the ozempic of the economy." LOL Bill Maher

   Worst case of SFT (stroking for Trump) I've ever seen. It is hilarious though.

   When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I'm no longer young.

   I have an open marriage in the sense that I'm allowed to open my mouth as long as I don't say anything stupid

   I went to a job interview the other day , Lady said She had 3 openings, I said I know .. still waiting for the call.

   it technicallly underwear if its all you are wearing?

   RIP: Olivia Fig Newton

   Please keep your dogs and children quiet in the mornings. Some of us have been up all night setting off fireworks. Thank you!

   I don't know what to make for my dinner. In the refrigerator I have two all-beef patties and some special sauce, but I can't think of any other ingredients that I should add to these.

   Dear paranoid people who check behind the shower curtain for murderers: What exactly is the plan if you find one?

   My doctor asked if any members of my family suffered from insanity. I replied, "No, we all seem to enjoy it".

   The next pro-Tr*mp Post is 100% written by a guy who's been inside a five-year-old.

   Tr*mps faith advisor says if you give her $1,000 you'll get 'supernatural blessings'. You people actually support and believe this sh*t. You like getting conned. And this? Is why we make fun of you.

   Those two douchbags have 19 children from 7 different women. Shut up with your Jesus bullsh*t.

   Thirty days hath September, April, June, and November. All the rest have thirty-one except for January, which has about 100.

   If one went to ISIS controlled Iraq as a missionary to convert them to Christianity, would you be executed for blasphemy? Or, would you get your hand cut off for stealing..

   Somebody let vegans know that their lifestyle is a lie. They consume countless insect fragments with everything they eat.