Funny Status Messages

   I may not cast the first stone but I'll sure as hell cast the last one.

   I'm so single, I'm chasing myself around the house playing hard to get!!!

   I need to stop talking to myself. I'm a bad influence.

   Any website can be a dating website... if you're from India.

   For those wondering if walls work, they do, I went to china, didnt see one Mexican

   My Dominatrix is so cruel and kinky, she makes me drink orange juice right after I brush my teeth.

   Silly sane people...bags are for gas.

   OK. Whose bright idea was it to call it "Boob Sweat" and not "Humidtitties"?

   Look. Anyone can make a mistake. When President Trump imposed a 10% tariff on penguins, he innocently thought they were retired nuns.

   Man this guy can't have any friends. Hell, I wish he lived near by just so I could put a knot on his head

   He's 5 steps ahead of you, you orangutan.

   I hate being bi-polar. It's really awesome.

   The difference between superman and I. Superman has super vision ,I require supervision!

   Dear Teenage Pop-Tart taking a picture of yourself wearing a bikini in your bathroom mirror: I do not want to be your friend. Please go away. (Does your mother know you do this?)

   "If you don't stop picking at that thing it'll never heal." -Sound medical advice or an insult to a banjo player

   With subpar graphics and absolutely no plot, TurboTax is, hands down, the worst video game I have ever played

   You want this, you want that. People in heII want ice water.

   I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.

   Johnny Depp gets 15 million dollars for being with a nut job. And all these years I've been doing it for free!

   hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it