Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You're not invited to the party in my pants because you don't know the difference between your and you're.

   : Aspire to Inspire before you Expire!

   just Googled his Twitter all over your Facebook

   will write you a love song unlike that Sara Bareilles b**ch

   stuck in the moment - well it is actually more like wedged. I think I may need an advanced escape maneuver. So glad I have that Special Forces training to fall back on in these situations.....

   I want a new Drug. One that won't hurt my head. One that won't make my mouth too dry. Or make my eyes too red

   News update! "Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery!"

   a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I'm perfect

   kissed a girl, and he liked it...and blames Katy Perry for his imprisonment. She didn't say anything about asking permission.

   contributing to global warming by breathing as he rides his bike to school...some conservationist!

   calculating pi but can't seem to make it past sugar cream

   wonders how skinny he would be if he had to pedal to keep the computer on.

   running with scissors and playing with matches...

   increasing his carbon footprint so that it is visible from space.

   Sometimes I go down to the Home Depot and pick up day laborers in my truck just to have people to drink with. Hop in, amigos. It's Miller time.

   As I'm getting older I've noticed my memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used

   guesses Chris Brown sure taught Rihanna how to breathe with "no air"

   has secretly replaced the Parmesan cheese shaker with a used Pedi-Egg. Will her guests be able to tell the difference?

   stuck in the moment and he can't get out of it...

   wouldnt be caught dead with a necrophiliac!