Funny Status Messages

   to the lady with all the hot selfies who claims she could steal my husband if she wanted... I will have him ready for you at 2

   Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song

   idk why people get paranoid about getting a chip put in them someday. ...lays & pringles have been putting chips in me for years

   There's a lot of anti Trump babies in here!

   No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.

   I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.

   AAA says keeping your tires properly inflated can save drivers 8 cents a gallon. I say a properly cast vote can save you $3.00 a gallon.

   The holiday season is here. Remember to set your scales back 10lbs at midnight.

   I finally caved in and started using pronouns. Mine are We/Won

   If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw. ..Just in case!

   Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings

   My "Kiss me, I'm Irish" shirt only seems to be working on my dog Roxy.

   If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.

   My grandma is 80% Irish. People call her Iris.

   How great is this? Amazon Cancels Orders From China After Steep Tariffs, Plans $15B U.S. Expansion

   One teacher can change your whole life. Like the one that knocked up my cousin.

   It's always best to fart when there's a baby on the bus. They ALWAYS get the blame.

   If she witnessed you pull start the lawn mower in one go, she's already pregnant

   I didn't get the president's alert test tex, but I did get a tex, two big macs, fish filet, large fry, large diet coke.

   US auto workers demand to be replaced by American robots, not those damn Mexican el robots.