Funny Status Messages

   If you identify as non-binary I want you to answer this question with a yes or no only: Do your parents know you're an imbecile?

   My good status messages are in my other pants.

   The most important thing I care about in a president is how high gas prices get while he's in office (rolling eyes back).

   At what age should you put the tonsils back in

   I don't care how obese Trump is, I want his mushroom deep inside me.

   I have finally figured out what's wrong with my brain - on the left there is nothing right and on the right there is nothing left...

   When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me

   Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands

   Why have I never actually seen a pie on a windowsill? even as a kid....

   I don't want to be a millionaire. I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.

   9 years ago, my friend Mike came running from the room shouting “It’s a boy” with tears in his eyes. We never went back to Thailand.

   It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.

   Over half the contacts in my phone are named “Do Not Answer”

   What if UFOs are just billionaires from other planets?

   Don’t refer to them as voices in your head. Do as the professionals and call them your ‘team of writers’

   My son ain’t gonna have to sneak no hoes in. Bring them bi**ches in son

   It's funny how the order of Facebook's reaction Emojis are most relationships from the beginning to the end.

   I just yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short” She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it back to me"

   completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions

   I think of Frank Zappa Every time I microwave a hotdog