Funny Status Messages

   I don't always like to stroke a cat, but when I do it's always a pu$$y.

   Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.

   It takes a lot of guts to be an organ donor.

   DWI attorneys would be smart to buy ad space on Taco Bell hot sauce packets.

   sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”

   was born a female. I identify as a female. But according to Tesco's sticky toffee pudding I'm a family of four.

   When the inventor of the drawing board messed things up what did he go back to?

   Hate your job? No problem! There's a support group for that... at the bar!

   Every time I get an eyelash in my eye I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild..

   Question -- What night is the swimsuit competition at the Dumocratic Convention?

   Who knew in 1987 when Steven Tyler wrote "Dude (Looks Like a Lady)" that it would become a self-fulfilling prophecy?

   Pit bulls are dangerous because I’m willing to jump out of a moving car to pet one

   Not a cloud in the sky. It's a dry hump day.

   Supporters cheer Roy Moore as he runs naked through a mall, his genitals concealed by various amusingly phallic objects

   My favorite part of looking back on childhood is trying to deduce which adults in charge were just barely keeping their shi*t together.

   Just might make a career change....I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of planes

   Word of the Day: Philantropath (noun). A psychopath masquerading as a philanthropist. (See: Bill Gates).

   I tried bringing sexy back today at Walmart but the lady assured me I didn't get it there.

   My congressman just wrote to tell me if I don't re-elect him, whatever-scares-me-most will probably happen. Send money.

   John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.