Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Got my first real sex dream, I was 5 at the time. Played it till my fingers bled. It was the summer of 69.

   Alcohol is the cause of some problems and the solution to others.

   thinking if your relationship Status says "It's complicated". Stop kidding yourself and change it to Single!

   almost killed today when he fell off a horse. Thank god the walmart employee saw me, came over and unplugged the thing

   If candy was named after a High School social group like "Nerds," than would they come out with candy named "Hoes" and "Jocks?"

   There was a near tragedy at my local shopping centre recently. A power cut left four blondes stranded on an escalator for almost five hours.

   Dear Saturday Morning, If at all possible, I would like to postpone our meeting until around 11AM as I have a conflicting appointment with Mr. Sandman

   ear Saturday Morning, If at all possible, I would like to postpone our meeting until around 11AM as I have a conflicting appointment with Mr. Sandman

   the police is looking for a suspect describes as sexy, beautiful, intelligent, funny & great in bed. You're safe, but where the hell will I hide??

   at the polics station. The police caught me & filed a case against me "possession of good looks". I'm doomed! Need someone ugly to bail me out.. so hurry up!!

   what's the closest thing to a womans period? Your salary! It comes once a month, lasts about 4-5 days anf if it doesn't come... it means you're screwed!!

   why are women known as sex objects? Everytime you want to have sex, they object!!

   received a call saying that my son had been lying in school, and was being expelled. I don't have a son. That kid is one damn good liar

   woke up with post-it note where one of his toes should have been. It said "Gone to market"....

   *The world is confused,if the love is blind, hw can it happen at 1st sight??

   She realised I had lied about my "restaurant experience" when she saw her ceiling was dripping with balsamic vinaigrette.

   At the bottom of that bottle of chardonnay were words I always had the good sense to say

   Knows the world will look up and shout “Save us!”… And he'll whisper “No.”

   ..thought it was a good thing adding her parents to Facebook until I posted " is going out for the night!" & mum commented "Good! That means me and your father can have loud sex now!". I'll remember to lock my bedroom door before I go out..

   tried to join a Tourette's support group but they told me to piss off.