Funny Status Messages
Search Messages:
The two hot teen lesbians next door gave me a timex for my birthday. I guess they misunderstood when I said "I wanna watch!" 
An old woman at the gym told me I looked like her late husband..... I'm hoping She meant while he was alive.
Reality is a hallucination caused by a lack of alcohol.
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
I was going to tell a railroad joke, but I lost my train of thought.
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
William Shatner has discontinued his new line of ladies lingerie. Apparently "Shatner Panties" wasn't the best choice for a name.
Starbucks at 8am closely resembles the waiting room at a methadone clinic.
My parents encouraged me to become a foreign exchange student until they learned I would eventually come back.
Swine Flu is back? Just when you think something is gone forever it comes back and makes people sick.. Just like Branden
As long as you yell "DODGEBALL" you're allowed to throw anything at anyone at anytime.
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
Please buy my new book: Losing weight while staying drunk.
My anger management class pisses me off...
Success is a little like wrestling a gorilla. You don’t quit when you’re tired. You quit when the gorilla is tired.
I know SIX facts about you. 1.) You're on your phone or computer. 2.) You're reading this. 3.) You're still reading this. 5.) You didn't realize that I skipped #4. 7.) You're checking and now smiling. 8.) You didn't realize that I skipped #6.
I eat twice as much meat just so that one vegan who thinks he is making a difference is making no difference at all.
I'm so pumped for Trump University 2: University of Truth. Registration starts today!
Maybe Will Smith thought Chris Rock was an alien? 