Funny Status Messages

   UBER: Oh, we're halfway there ME: Ok, good U: Oh oh, we're living on a prayer M: What? U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand M: Oh god

   Mercury is in gatorade or whatever

   Ultimate dad move: Tattoo a saddle on their leg.

   the more things change, the more they stay the same.

   Hope all of you who received a book from me for Christmas thoroughly enjoy them! Oh and don't forget they need to be back the library by the 30th.

   Peter Griffith : Now There's a Family Guy .

   if "octo" means 8, why is October the 10th month?

   OK, it's official. Tide Pods don't taste anywhere near as good as they look. (Don't ask me how I know this...)

   Who is Valentines? And why is my Wife talking about her a lot lately?

   My wife as not spoke to me for the past three days since our fight. That saying silence is golden is so true.

   That was terrible. For next year's INTERNATIONAL Women's Day, you should only tweet if you have at least TWO citizenships

   When my time comes, I’m going to make a death-bed vow that no grass will grow over my grave for 100 years just to see if I can pull it off.

   Switching off my mother inlaw's life support machine was very difficult. I had to fight off a doctor, a nurse and two security guards. Beeeeeeeep

   I was promised a bigger paycheck! Not in size!!!!!

   Back in our days a Teacher leaving the class for a few minutes was the original Harlem Shake

   Life lesson: If you run out of Vicks vapor rub, never place IcyHot in your nose in place of it or it will make you scream in pain. #thingsthatmakeyouscreaminpain

   Woke up this morning with a wine glass in my hand, Whose wine, What wine? Where the H3LL did I dine? .... Awe who cares ... it was free!

   Bet you've never been at a party the cops have shown up to where Raffi's Bananaphone was the jam playing.

   The worst part about trying to kill a fly in your house is when it starts to mock you.

   Kevin Durant will still hear chants of MVP every night, they just won't be for him...