Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   If I ask my mom to take a picture for me with my phone there is a 99% chance it will be a video of me yelling "IT'S THE BUTTON ON FRONT!"

   Guess it's time to get to the part of the day I hate... the part which requires pants.

   Intelligence is like underwear: It's important to have it, but you don't have to show it off...

   Bachelors know more about women than married men. If they didn't, they'd be married too.

   "I tolerate you better than I do anyone else" is the new "I love you."

   I will consider running a half-marathon the first time I see someone smiling while doing it.

   An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New Year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.

   If I ever get sent to prison the first thing I'm gonna do is hunt up the tattoo guy and have him put a red aids awareness ribbon on each butt cheek.

   (Glass breaks) Woman: I think someones breaking in! Man: I'll take care of this! (grabs a toilet brush) Woman: A toilet brush? What are you going to do scrub him to death? Man: Would you want to be touched with this?

   this is an encoded message only those who are worthy will be able to read: 370H-SSV-0773H

   Do you think maybe I could save even more than 15% on my car insurance if Geico didn't waste so much f*cking money on commercials?

   The only thing more awkward than buying condoms would be returning them.

   I like my women like I like my turtles. Helpless when they're on their back.

   Here's the thing about work: I really don't feel like doing any.

   No, my friend, you may not borrow a condom because the word borrow implies that you plan to return it.

   So when a woman says "I'm fine" am I supposed to buy flowers, chocolates or both?

   "The truth is..." = "Here's a lie I've had some time to work on."

   You know how sometimes you can just tell when someone's had enough of you for one day, so you back off and leave them alone? Me neither.

   #1 thing to do today: Run into a store and ask what year it is. When someone answers, yell "It worked!!!" and run out cheering.

   My mother always told me to never quit something I'm good at. So here is to her for making me realize that i'm good at being drunk!