Flinnie Funny Status Messages

   My friend absolutely insisted that I come to her muder mystery dinner party, but then she died suddenly under mysterious circumstances

   A funny thing would be to dress up as a vampire, go to a blood bank, and ask when happy hour starts.

   Lady Gaga says her fans are monsters.Really? Then how come the Wolfman hates her guts?

   If your parents are cannibals, the "got your nose" game is frighteningly serious.

   Did you know slugs have four noses? I'm totally going to dutch-oven one tonight.

   Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee, bite like a mosquito, carry 100 times your body weight like an ant.

   I'm wearing “thongs” right now, but it's not what you think. I have some flip-flops in my butt.

   I hope these "reduced guilt" brownies help me get over that hobo I murdered

   Relax people, they made holograms of Tupac, Dick Clark can still appear on New Years Eve.

   It is illegal to use your cell phone while driving, which is why I had this sweet rotary phone installed in my center console.

   When life throws you a curveball, try to duck so it hits someone else.

   No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”

   If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck WHAT IS IT DOING HERE I'M TRYING TO SLEEP

   Today I will be signing books at Barnes and Noble until they kick me out for vandalizing books again. Come say hello!

   Punk's not dead. Punk is resting its eyes. Punk works hard all week. Just please, go play quietly and let punk sleep.

   Just got out of a speeding ticket by confessing to a murder I didn't commit.

   In a post-Gadaffi world, Hannukah is the only thing that gets to have 4 legal spellings.

   I see UFOs every night until they turn into FOs.

   I carry a diaper with me so I can hold it up and shout "excuse me, you dropped your adult diaper" when people cut in line.

   I think there should be something in science called "the reindeer effect". I don't know what it would be, but it would be cool to hear someone say "Gentleman what we have here is a terrifying example of the reindeer effect"