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I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
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10-14-2020 08:54
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Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
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10-14-2020 09:27
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I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
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10-14-2020 09:28
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I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
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10-14-2020 09:28
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I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
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10-14-2020 09:28
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If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
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10-14-2020 09:29
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Executioner: Any last words Me: No, I’m – My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
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10-14-2020 09:29
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Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
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10-14-2020 09:30
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What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
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10-14-2020 11:00
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Some dance to remember, some dance to forget, some dance because the swamp witch’s curse compels them to, and you can usually pick those ones out right away
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10-14-2020 11:01
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Just heard on the news that fake news is up 200% on Facebook. So what else is new?
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10-14-2020 12:26
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Whose got two big strong hands? Asking for a friend on National No Bra day?
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10-14-2020 12:35
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If you don't need a mask because God will protect you, why do you need a gun?
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10-14-2020 16:03
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The greater the threat the better the weapon
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10-15-2020 00:22
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HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA JUST WALKED BY YOU WHILE YOU WERE STARING AT YOUR PHONE!
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10-15-2020 08:06
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20% of marriage is just waiting for your spouse to fall asleep so you can eat the snacks you don’t want to share.
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10-15-2020 08:12
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I got a restraining order from the Costco bagel sample lady.
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10-15-2020 08:18
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I wonder if girls got mad on dates in the 1700's because guys kept checking their treasure maps.
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10-15-2020 08:24
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Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
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10-15-2020 08:26
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Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
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10-15-2020 08:29
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