Funny Status Messages

   Kids today with their $50 haircuts. Mom cut our hair & knew two styles: Pete Rose & Charlie Brown.

   Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.

   the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders

   Pro tip: Fill the piñata with ketchup and you never have to host a children’s birthday party again. You’re welcome

   Just heard that flies spread disease. I always keep mine zipped.

   Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out. She’s gotten sick of pizza.

   I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.

   GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you. ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’ HER: I need to see other people.

   DID YOU KNOW: Mrs. Doubtfire was originally titled: Don’t Tell Mom The Babysitter’s Dad.

   Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.

   I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate that I ate.

   Fear is contagious...so is Hope.

   I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.

   CNN & MSNBC reporting this morning that 'Un-named sources claim Covid-19 concocted by Trump in his White House bunker using son Barron's chemistry set he got for Christmas'

   I'd have to say for the first time in 40 years I don't wish I was Eddie Van Halen.

   Facebook is mostly poIitics, pet lovers and dysfunctional insecure model wannabes.

   Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!

   A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again

   A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.

   Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.