Funny Status Messages

   Two squirrels are fighting to the death in my bird feeder right now and I think I’m finally ready to get rid of cable TV

   Has anyone started selling a Ginsberg zombie Halloween costume yet?

   The world has indeed changed, I saw two guys put masks on to take a bag of money into a bank.

   Walking around mutterin' "Damn kids" while turning down the thermostat. The Walking Dad

   How many dads do you think have their hands on their hips looking at the rain saying "We really needed this"?

   Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.

   I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.

   Sorry that Ruth Bader Ginsburg clocked out. But the bright spot is we get to see a white funeral for a change.

   Athletes are nothing more than individuals who repress their h0m0sexuality.

   I'd prefer to believe in Scientology rather than that stupid Q conspiracy.

   If you aren't on the Grand Jury in Louisville then your opinion is $hit...

   I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you

   Pesto could be magical if only it had an R in it

   My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume

   I mean this in the nicest way possible: I couldn't give 2 sh*ts about Breonna Taylor.

   Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.

   My doctor asked me if I might be pregnant. I told him I’d be giving birth to a pack of Duracell batteries if I was

   I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now

   Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”

   turning older than 12 years old was the biggest mistake of my life