Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   When meeting your girlfriend's parents for the first time it's hard not to think to yourself... "I've licked your daughter's nipples."

   Whenever I need a quiet night at my house I just tell all my friends that I'm moving and need them to come over and help.

   Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits by Picasso.

   If you didn't talk to me in High School then don't request to be my friend on Facebook.

   Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it is time to get up.

   Stop complaining about your relationship if you're gonna stay in it, dumb ass b*tches..

   Ghetto people are always naming their kids after stuff they cant afford: Mercedes, Diamond, Bentley, Pearl, Light Bill, Rent, Car Insurance.

   Women need to learn that "most of my friends are guys" just means you have a list of dudes who are trying to bone you.

   I don't care what your gender is. I'm going to call you "dude" either way.

   I'm collecting every toy that the neighbors kid throws in my yard, I already have tons of Christmas presents for my nieces and nephews this year!

   The world would be a quiet place if we did that whole "think before you speak" thing.

   WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

   If you ain't ugly in the morning, then you didn't do it right last night!

   You're in love and I couldn't be happier for you. But can you let go of each others hands for four seconds so I can get past you on the f*ckin sidewalk?"

   How many light bulbs does it take to change people...

   I was asked what I would give the woman who has everything... Well, my phone number for a start.

   Women, not all guys talk to you just because they want to get in your pants... Sometimes they want to get in your friend's pants.

   Wow, you look EXACTLY like this girl I finger banged behind a Wendys back in high school. Anyway, I'm Will and I'm here for the job interview.

   What are a man's three favorite games? Checker, Chess & Poker. (If you didn't get this say it quickly to yourself)

   The purpose of this status is to let you know that I have nothing to say, but that's not gonna stop me from saying it....