gil Funny Status Messages

   Today is national drug take back day. For your convenience, I will be placing a collection basket outside my front door.

   Your chances of becoming an Olympic Athlete are less than 1 in 10,000. Think about that for just a second. All Olympians should be proud of just having the opportunity to participate.

   more kisses begin with Budweiser or good weed than Kay

   Wonder Woman an icon representing male objectification or female empowerment?

   "Has Tim Tebow been signed yet?" - Robert Kraft

   Herman Cain justifying being accused of sexually assaulting 4 women is like a drunk defnding 4 DUIs

   I'm pretty sure when Charlie Sheen said he had "Tiger Blood" in him, he was referring to the golfer, not the animal. duh!..Winner!

   Today is International Women's day AND ALSO Fat Tuesday.. Coincidence??...I think not

   The Easter Bunny just left me a bunch of tiny brown chocolate eggs. Can't wait to eat them. Yummy!

   I think Prince was hallucinating when he wrote "When Doves Cry". Has anyone ever actually heard a dove cry?

   "Hey Andrew Breibart.... Wecome to the club!" - Vince Foster

   In response to recent rape allegations, TV Land has pulled all episodes of the Cosby Show off the air. My life is ruined.

   FRIEND: Why do you spend so much time on Facebook? ME: I have serious digestive issues. I spend a lot of time on the toilet.

   Casey Anthony trial ends today. Roger Clemens trial begins today. Coincidence?.... I think not.

   M&M Mars are stupid if they don't shoot a commercial featuring Mayweather and McGregor.

   Remember WWE admitted everything was staged entertainment? I'm waiting for politicians to make the same announcement.

   Instead of a coffin, OJ will be buried in a white Ford Bronco, wearing black leather gloves.

   Eggs are so expensive that I am eating steak, lobster, and caviar for breakfast now.

   RIP Barbara Walters. Beaver Cleaver's TV mom died. Eddie, Whitey, and Lumpy must be devastated.

   I'm seeking scientific study assistants and participants to publish a study called "The Perfect Orgasm" - Pay is $20 per session