andrew jackson Funny Status Messages

   I love my kid but I'm still going to eat his fries when he goes to the bathroom then lie to his face about it.

   Calling it Jerk Chicken is rude. Maybe it had a rough childhood, you don't know.

   Sometimes, I do the opposite of what my GPS tells me to do just to hear the the slight panic in it's robotic voice.

   Seems like my body should have better things to do than make ear hair.

   I just saw a guy wearing uggs get arrested. Not sure what for, but I'm hoping it was because he was wearing uggs

   It’s been five minutes since Adobe asked me to install an update. I hope they didn't go out of business or something.

   Ugh. New Year's Eve is just around the corner and I STILL haven't picked out which gang sign I'm going to hold up in photos

   FACT: I've never had a windshield wiper setting that truly satisfied me.

   Whenever I open my fridge, my dog looks at me with a puzzled look and he thinks: Why don’t you eat all the food?

   It only takes one person to ruin it for everyone...Be that person.

   Just my normal Saturday, trimming my bonsai tree and teachin' the new kid in my building some karate

   If you love something, set it free. Maybe not dogs with rabies though. Or killer bees or pretty much any domesticated animal into the wild. Lots of stuff really. Look, the point is don't love anything.

   My spirit animal is that chicken who keeps crossing the road for reasons no one can figure

   If you've ever seen a foal being born then you pretty much know what it looks like to watch me get out of a beach chair.

   My friends and I played fantasy football in high-school. No league, we just constantly thought about the cheerleaders.

   Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.

   Just once I'd like the world's oldest person headline to end with "fends off bear."

   Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze

   If I was in Mad Max I would be the guy who can't figure out how to turn the windshield wipers off.

   Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.