JOser Funny Status Messages

   friend request you on facebook?? woah, slow down we just met. tell me about yourself...oh, you're in the mafia AND you're a farmer? check please.

   Got carded for a box of Nicorette. I guess they don't want you to quit using tobacco until you're over 18...

   Hearing your legs creaking as you get into the standing split pose in yoga class is a sure way of telling people that you havent been laid in a while

   This could be the best day ever... but it isn't. Again

   I saw a sign that said END ROAD WORK. I find it annoying too, but I don't think I would protest against it.

   They call it "Cash for Gold" because "Cash for all the Sh*t You Stole to Support Your Meth Habit" didn't have the same ring to it.

   people will believe anything if you whisper it.

   Carry yourself like a queen and you'll attract a king. Carry yourself like a hoe and see how far you'll go.

   Ok, TV coroners. We get it. You're comfortable around dead bodies. You can stop putting your sandwiches on them.

   Just got a chance to listen to my voicemails. I was pretty popular in 2009.

   We must STOP the driver of that bus that everyone keeps getting thrown under.

   headed out for a quiet beer. Followed by ten noisy ones...

   I like you... People say I've got no taste, but I like you...

   It's no accident that stressed spelled backwards is desserts...

   The best things in life are free.... or have no interest or payments for one full year.

   I have the same body I've always had. Adjusted for inflation, of course...

   I've never tipped a cow. Then again, one has never served me food.

   Speak when you're angry and you'll make the best speech you'll ever regret.

   A trip to Wal-Mart is all the proof I need that ugly isn't an effective means of birth control

   The gang war between the squirrels and the raccoons must be escalating, based on the number of drive-by victims on the side of the road.