BigSarge Funny Status Messages

   How do they even grow boneless chicken's?

   I have decided my next ex-wife will be Scottish so when she calls me a worthless fucker it will be in that adorable wee accent.

   I finally overcame my fear of skinny dipping...... On a side note; Police report that there has been no progress made in an attempt to identify the "naked man" seen streaking out of the mall's wishing fountain.

   Do I still call it morning if I never went to sleep because the shadow on my celling looked like a kitten with a butcher's knife?

   I look up at the sky and think of Bolkonsky wounded at Austerlitz contemplating the very nature of existence......... Just kidding, I'm thinking about boobs.

   The best part about walking in the rain with your significant other is they don't know you're peeing.

   My wife says crazy stuff like "You're addicted to Facebook," "Pay attention to us" and "How could you not notice the house is on fire?"

   I may not have abs of steel, but I have overheard a lot of people whispering about my "rock bottom".

   How many girls it takes to change a light bulb? 4 if you count the one taking and posting the pic to Facebook

   Dear Windshield Wipers, "Can't Touch This!!" ... Sincerely, The Little Triangle

   Apocalypse Update - Day 68 (Deep within my Command Bunker): Finally received a TV signal. The only channel I could get was "E" network. Kim Kardasian is knocked up!! The "Invasion of the Body Snatchers" begins!! Well played Mayans, well played!!

   It's so nice to come home and relax with Facebook after a long day at the office playing on Facebook.

   Seriously, how come they're not called tampoons?

   My animals are staring at me like I am the bacon messiah

   Alcoholic? No. Self-appointed booze quality control technician? Yes.

   I wonder if somebody ever got "Catfished" through Christian Mingle?

   I haven't spent a dime feeding my pet python since I found the "Free Kitten" section on "Craigslist".

   Yeah, I followed a dream once. Turns out, the Harlem Globetrotters "don't really want" a 6th member named "Whitey McBiscuits".

   More social media's please.............. I have 20 min of real life to ignore

   All I really want is for my self destruction to be televised during "Prime Time".