@clarkysj Funny Status Messages

   My wife said, "I want you to toast some bread for me." So I raised my wine glass and said, "To bread!"

   My girlfriend left me because she was sick of my xbox puns. I guess we didn't really kinect.

   I woke up this morning and found my big toe was missing, in it's place was a litte note that read 'gone to market'

   I got an e-mail saying 'At Google Earth we can read maps backwards!' I thought "That's just spam."

   My internet went down yesterday. I think my neighbour forgot to pay the bill. How irresponsible.

   I went for a self-defence class last night. The instructor said, "I want you to take me by surprise and attack me" So when I saw him in Sainsburys the next day I threw a tin of beans at his head.

   So they've sent George Michael to prison. Isn't that like sentencing Vanessa Feltz to eight weeks in a chocolate factory?

   The Jeremy Kyle show........ The only place a baby has more teeth than all 4 of it's parents put together

   "I'm David Beckham, and Harper 7 was my idea"

   Once Liverpool sell Fernando Torres they are going to put an offer in for Andy Murray - They've never seen someone hit the net so many times in 90 minutes.

   It goes in dry, it comes out wet. The longer it stays in, the stronger it gets. It comes out dripping and it starts to sag - It's not what you think... it's a Tetley's Tea Bag!!

   My wife said she's leaving me because of my obsession with plants. I said "For f-cks sake petal, where has this stemmed from?"

   BBC NEWS: Apple sues Samsung for 'copying' . Samsung retaliate with name calling and telling the teacher.

   Went into the Opticians and told him that I could see 9 years into the future. He examined my eyes and nodded in agreement. "You've got 2020 vision"

   I'm going to a posh do tonight. The invitation says, 'Black Tie Only'. Christ, I'm going to be f-kin freezing!

   Tulisa, sexiest woman in the world? I wouldn't even have her down as the sexiest woman in N-Dubz.

   BBC Sport: "Liverpool want Fanni" - Don't we all.

   Precision. Concentration. Patience & Fearlessness. 4 skills I possess whilst shavin my nuts that I wish I could apply to other aspects of my life!

   They say that 40 is the new 30 - try telling that to a speed camera!

   rang British Telecom today and said "I want to report a nuisance caller." He said "Not you again."