@The69Sheriff Funny Status Messages

   Having kids is like a never-ending press conference: "No, you can't put the dog in the washer - next." "No, you can't really fly - next."

   Had that dream again last night where the GEICO lizard makes me hold his legs down while he does sit-ups.

   I have to say... to lie about taking steroids as long as Lance Armstrong did sure takes a lot of ball.

   Look, baby, it's just not going to work between us: You're a sheep and I'm a border collie. I'm so sorry. I never meant to herd you.

   Everything is made in China except for babies... they're made in VaChina.

   The hardest part of letting go of someone you love... is the splat when they hit the ground.

   I woke up the other night and my entire body was soaked in urine... I was really pissed.

   Considering the millions of people using Facebook... someone somewhere must be typing the same word at the same time as I am... so... JINX!

   if you let one of those dancing roadside Statues of Liberty do your taxes... your refund will be a hammer and a bag of tangerines.

   Grammatically correct affirmations? Now, that is something about which I am talking.

   thinks that swearing was invented as a compromise between running away and fighting.

   I used to think it was fine to eat Taco Bell twice in one week... I sit corrected.

   I take context out of things.

   I just spilled an entire glass of water on myself. Saddest wet t-shirt contest ever. Good news is... I won!

   I bet it takes a female kangaroo forever to find anything in her pouch.

   thinks my doctor's waiting room needs some music... and better lighting... and more women... and a pole in the middle of the room... and a buffet.

   I had a great time fishing with my uncle until he looked up at me and said he's going to show me how to bone a fish.

   The most effective part of bringing my laptop to the coffee shop so I can "work" is the "lying to myself."

   can tell you the 5 most unappealing words in the English language... Used Hot Tub For Sale.

   wants you to spit your drink at the person sitting across from you and tell them it's because you were laughing at this.