Kisstopher707 Funny Status Messages

   wife: Why did you drink all the rum? me: I lost the cap

   I’m suffering complications following my birth

   We will always have that special 5 minutes before I started creeping you out.

   I like to play this game called nap roulette...It's where I take a nap but don't set an alarm. Will it be a 30 min nap? Will it be a 4 hour nap? Will I wake up tomorrow? Nobody knows. But it's risky. And I like it

   When I suggest we eat pizza and someone says something stupid like "No, I had pizza yesterday," I just nod like I understand, but inside my head I have murdered the person a thousand times.

   A woman's cleavage tells you the amount and type of attention she needs.

   "I'm a woman, not a sex object" - said a woman to herself as she put on a push-up bra.

   Hey douchebag. Women like men with an accent, not an Axe scent

   courage turns quickly into fear when you attempt to kill a cockroach and it flies.

   Somewhere someone's therapist knows you.

   Don't, under any circumstance, believe I'll return your Tupperware.

   I still think I'm in my 20s sometimes...until I try to do something like I'm in my 20s.

   When does paying taxes get shut down? Asking for everyone with a job.

   Disappointment usually stems from expecting too much from strangers on Facebook.

   I'd love to come to your holiday party and stare at my phone all night.

   People who make really bad decisions are always like "I have the worst luck"

   Yesterday I met my ex-girlfriend’s son and told him about how I once auditioned to be his father.

   People think that in Africa we ride lions and elephants to work. That's ridiculous, we don't have jobs.

   It's actually the voices outside my head that bothers me the most.

   If you like her, tell her. Don't friendzone yourself. Have some balls. Be a man.