Kisstopher707 Funny Status Messages

   I hate when the whole Internet mourns someone’s death & I have to Google them to find out if they were a politician, an athlete or a Muppet.

   Behind every man there is a woman wondering if going to jail for murder is as bad as it sounds.

   I'm the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body, but if you betray me, just remember: I know how to hide a dead body.

   If you're looking for me to be more tasteful and tender, marinate me in whiskey.

   Some of these girls look like they masturbate to their own selfies.

   No one understands you better than some crazy weirdos on the internet.

   Can Walmart be a feeling? I'm pretty sure that's how I'm feeling today.

   This Facebook is really cutting into my other time wasting activities.

   I like people the most when I'm by myself.

   Its not stretching if it doesn't involve crazy dinosaur noises.

   Pro tip: when you wake up, reach for your GF's boobs before reaching for your phone to check your Facebook. Women love that.

   Yes, those diamonds in your teeth are shiny, but your vocabulary is still limited and now you have a speech impediment.

   "There's strength in numbers" I whisper to my 9th slice of pizza.

   Sometimes you have got to talk to a 3year old toddler in order to understand the meaning of happiness in life.

   If you think my jokes are bad, you should see my choice in women.

   I graduated at the top of my anger management class

   Just ate a salad when I could've eaten a cheeseburger. Where's my reward? I should get an award, right? Maybe a cheeseburger.

   My diet can be best described as carb loading for a marathon I'll never run.

   Women just don't get it, That men just don't get it.

   Hell nah I’m not clicking on page two of any article online. It’s online. Your stupid story should fit one webpage however long it is.