Kisstopher707 Funny Status Messages

   Sure, I'll go to your open bar and watch you get married.

   It's like my kids don't even believe how cool I was in the 90s.

   There's vultures circling around my sex life.

   I didn't know how badly we're losing the war on stupidity til I joined Facebook.

   The most interesting thing about me is my lack of interest.

   I like to play this game called nap roulette...It's where I take a nap but don't set an alarm. Will it be a 30 min nap? Will it be a 4 hour nap? Will I wake up tomorrow? Nobody knows. But it's risky. And I like it

   wife: Why did you drink all the rum? me: I lost the cap

   I’m suffering complications following my birth

   Nothing screams I need to get laid like screaming I need to get laid!

   When I suggest we eat pizza and someone says something stupid like "No, I had pizza yesterday," I just nod like I understand, but inside my head I have murdered the person a thousand times.

   A woman's cleavage tells you the amount and type of attention she needs.

   "I'm a woman, not a sex object" - said a woman to herself as she put on a push-up bra.

   Hey douchebag. Women like men with an accent, not an Axe scent

   Somewhere someone's therapist knows you.

   Don't, under any circumstance, believe I'll return your Tupperware.

   I still think I'm in my 20s sometimes...until I try to do something like I'm in my 20s.

   When does paying taxes get shut down? Asking for everyone with a job.

   Disappointment usually stems from expecting too much from strangers on Facebook.

   Yesterday I met my ex-girlfriend’s son and told him about how I once auditioned to be his father.

   People who make really bad decisions are always like "I have the worst luck"