Kisstopher707 Funny Status Messages

   Nothing screams I need to get laid like screaming I need to get laid!

   wife: Why did you drink all the rum? me: I lost the cap

   When I suggest we eat pizza and someone says something stupid like "No, I had pizza yesterday," I just nod like I understand, but inside my head I have murdered the person a thousand times.

   A woman's cleavage tells you the amount and type of attention she needs.

   "I'm a woman, not a sex object" - said a woman to herself as she put on a push-up bra.

   Hey douchebag. Women like men with an accent, not an Axe scent

   Somewhere someone's therapist knows you.

   Don't, under any circumstance, believe I'll return your Tupperware.

   I still think I'm in my 20s sometimes...until I try to do something like I'm in my 20s.

   When does paying taxes get shut down? Asking for everyone with a job.

   Disappointment usually stems from expecting too much from strangers on Facebook.

   I'd love to come to your holiday party and stare at my phone all night.

   Yesterday I met my ex-girlfriend’s son and told him about how I once auditioned to be his father.

   People who make really bad decisions are always like "I have the worst luck"

   People think that in Africa we ride lions and elephants to work. That's ridiculous, we don't have jobs.

   We used to watch the news to find out the truth. If you're looking for the truth now, the last thing you'd want to watch is the news.

   It's actually the voices outside my head that bothers me the most.

   If you like her, tell her. Don't friendzone yourself. Have some balls. Be a man.

   When it comes to a recipe for a disaster, some people thrive on being the main ingredient.

   I hate when the whole Internet mourns someone’s death & I have to Google them to find out if they were a politician, an athlete or a Muppet.