Funny Status Messages

   If you grew up wanting to be a Plumber or a Pizza delivery boy, You watched too much porn as a kid.

   Facebook just suggested I poke my wife.....yeah good one Facebook.....been trying for weeks!

   It sucks being a grown up. Nobody tells you you did a good job when you eat all of your food.

   i bought an awesome watch the other day, It was waterproof, shockproof, fireproof, bulletproof, acidproof, childproof & scratchproof. I lost it.

   You can say "Have a nice day!" with no problem but you can't say "Enjoy the next 24 hours." without sounding mildly threatening.

   Don't accept any friend requests from Taco Bell.. they're nacho friends

   For $5 you can either get your girl approximately 2 flowers from a florist OR you can get her an ENTIRE costco rotisserie chicken. that’s all I'm sayin. the choice is yours

   I've reached the age where I meet a person I would consider "older" and then find out they're the same age as me.

   You can always tell someone's age by watching them get out of a car.

   If you’re happy and you know it... wash your hands.

   I'm having a quarintine party this weekend. None of you are invited

   Distancing from people & not going out. Drinking too much coffee in the morning. Eating and smoking too much all day. Watching too much tv. Drinking too much at night. Then the pandemic struck.

   Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.

   And suddenly the neighbors who left their Christmas lights up all year seem like geniuses.

   Me: sorry mom, called you by accident.. Mom: no worries, had you by accident.

   The National Origami championship is on television tonight. It’s on paper view.

   Ever notice how that toothpaste falls so easily off your brush, but you can't wash it down the drain if you wanted to...

   Watching Friday the 13th. A load of awful make-up, on brain-dead zombies. Hang on Hang on..... Sorry, wrong channel that was "The View".

   Iowa's voting app failed because it was too icy to climb up the telephone poles to vote.

   I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.