Funny Status Messages

   If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.

   The I before E except after C rule has been disproven by science.

   Every loaf of bread is a tragic story about a field of grain that could have become beer but didn't.

   When does hibernation start? Because I'm 100% participating in that!!

   I totally understand how batteries feel because I'm rarely ever included in things either.

   There is no such thing as a stupid question except maybe "Isn't about time you IRS guys audited my return?"

   Scientist have now cloned monkeys. Next on the Primate ladder before they reach humans- Politicians.

   I hate it when I tell someone I'll be there in 10 minutes, but they continue to call me every half-hour anyway

   Questioning me about stupid things like why there’s a wine cork floating in the toilet is why I don't invite people to my house.

   We will always have that special 5 minutes before I started creeping you out.

   Our dog just winked at me, and now I am trying to figure out what secret we are keeping from the rest of the family.

   I did 5 squats today so if you catch me looking a little thick tomorrow don't be alarmed

   Gun sales hit #1 record for a Black Friday sales item.

   For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar

   I need a leaf blower, but for people.

   Something I never said as a kid: My book stopped working.

   I’m “you can only play video games on channel 3” years old.

   As I watch this generation try to rewrite history, one thing I'm sure of.... it will be misspelled and have no punctuation..

   My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying ~ don't run into anyone you know.

   How to make a millenial laugh: tell them you have only 22 photos of your entire childhood.