Funny Status Messages
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Until they get this spell-check problem with the iPhone fixed, it would be best not to text your wife and tell her she is looking fit. 
Even looking at LinkedIn's logo can result in an unsolicited email.
Went to a Black Friday thing a my sweetheart’s house… all clothes were 100% off.
Elevator music bothers me on many levels
If you raise your children, you spoil your grandkids. If you spoil your children, you raise your grandkids.
When a guy says "I'm Fine" what he is really trying to say is that he is fine.
Golf is finally starting to pay off. I just signed a contract with Nike for a large sum of money in return for agreeing never to be seen playing with any of their equipment.
There should be reality show where 16 congressmen are forced to take jobs in the private sector.
You question whether you are getting old when your barber asks if your eyebrows need trimming, and you know it when he does it without asking
"Baby it's cold outside" is bad because it's about a guy is trying to get laid. "Santa Baby" is ok because it's about a girl trying to screw Santa. Got it.
Before social networking you could just completely forget someone existed and it was....GREAT!
When a cashier asks if you found everything you were looking for, take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, "I have now."
I love talking to small children. No adult is ever going to ask me what my 3rd favorite dinosaur is.
It’s Thursday… or as I like to call it, “Day 4 of the hostage situation.”
When a kid says " Daddy, I want mommy", that's the kid version of "I'd like to speak to your supervisor."
"We are not even close." -Romans building Rome, end of first day.
Anyone else find it odd that on Star Trek, when they "boldly go where no one has gone before" they always end up meeting someone?
Every restaurant in the world is packed on mothers day but they want us to BBQ on fathers day.
Bought some unsalted almonds by accident today. Turns out, I like salt, not almonds.
The Stanley Cup finals will feature a team that represents a morally bankrupt city, that is built on corruption, greed and deceit, against the Las Vegas Golden Knights.