Funny Status Messages

   Statistically, a gun is much less likely to be used in a crime than a Senator.

   No, things are not getting worse. They are just getting more obvious.

   When a guy says "I'm Fine" what he is really trying to say is that he is fine.

   Golf is finally starting to pay off. I just signed a contract with Nike for a large sum of money in return for agreeing never to be seen playing with any of their equipment.

   Remember: Every single frozen corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person. Stay lazy, my friends.

   You question whether you are getting old when your barber asks if your eyebrows need trimming, and you know it when he does it without asking

   Just had ice cream without sprinkles on top. Diets are so hard.

   Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.

   When this is over.. What meeting will you need to attend first.. Weight watchers or AA ?

   Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.

   Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White and Keith Richards when we’re gone.

   I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters

   If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.

   "We are not even close." -Romans building Rome, end of first day.

   Anyone else find it odd that on Star Trek, when they "boldly go where no one has gone before" they always end up meeting someone?

   Every restaurant in the world is packed on mothers day but they want us to BBQ on fathers day.

   Before social networking you could just completely forget someone existed and it was....GREAT!

   When a cashier asks if you found everything you were looking for, take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, "I have now."

   It’s Thursday… or as I like to call it, “Day 4 of the hostage situation.”

   Does refusing to go to the gym count as resistance training?