GaryKoenig Funny Status Messages

   When a woman asks you to guess her age, it's like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb.

   The worst thing to step on in the dark is someone else's foot when you live alone.

   Nurse: There's a man in the waiting room who thinks he's invisible. What should I tell him? Doctor: Tell him I can't see him today.

   I never make the same mistake twice. I make it five or six times, just to be sure.

   Theme parks can snap a crystal clear picture of you on a rollercoaster at 70mph. But bank cameras can't get a clear shot of a bank robber standing still.

   I can't wait till I retire! So that I can get up at 6am and drive around REAL slow and make everybody late for work.

   You know when a dog sticks his head out of a moving car window, bites at the air and it lpoks like fun? I tried it. It is.

   Some people exercise every day. I'm watching a show I don't like because the remote fell on the floor.

   Everyone needs a sarcastic, smart mouth friend. I am so happy to be of service to you all!

   Last night I demanded to speak to the chef because my salad was dry. It was a situation that needed addressing.

   I don't feel like I'm getting older. It's more like my warranty has expired and my parts are wearing out.

   I want a restraining order on everyone who doesn't wear deodorant.

   I don't care how old I get. If I'm in a store and I see a toy with "Try Me" on it, I'm pushing those buttons.

   Can someone update me on what's offensive today? It's hard to keep up.

   Remember when teachers used to say, "You won't have a calculator everywhere you go?" Well, we showed them.

   Someone asked me if I had plans for the fall. It took me a moment to realize they meant "autumn", not the collapse of civilization.

   If you're arguing loudly on your phone in public, please put it on speaker. I need to hear both sides of the story.

   I'm going to open a restaurant called "Peace and Quiet" where kid's meals are $250.00.

   I need a scary movie that's gonna make me paranoid for the rest of my life.

   Things I hate: Gross pay - $2,257. Net pay - $1,138.