@The69Sheriff Funny Status Messages

   The most impressive magic trick of all is how magicians are able to make all of their shame disappear.

   Whenever I call a Jewish friend and they don't answer... I worry Mel Gibson has killed and eaten them.

   What if love was like volleyball... all you have to do is call 'MINE!' and everyone else backs off...

   Sometimes I wish I could delete other people's Facebook Status updates.

   "Kidnapping" is such a strong word... I prefer to say "surprise adoption."

   "Archaeologists Discover First-Ever Gay Caveman." I'm calling it now: "Glee-anderthal: The Musical." That one's free, Hollywood.

   If Coldplay and Mumford & Sons got in a fight... Miley Cyrus would win.

   I always feel a little bad for a guy when I notice he missed a belt loop on his pants... or lost his family in a fire.

   The hardest part of letting go of someone you love... is the splat when they hit the ground.

   the best way to get out of a text conversation: "The message could not be delivered. Please try again later. Error 226110."

   I have an image of Jesus that pops up on my monitor if I leave it idle for 10 minutes... it's my screen savior.

   Had that dream again last night where the GEICO lizard makes me hold his legs down while he does sit-ups.

   surrounded by askholes today... yes, "askholes" as in people who constantly ask you stupid questions.

   I just saw a hobo on the side of the road with a sign that said "Hungry Hungry Hobo."

   You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac... you're welcome.

   Whenever I see a sock puppet... I wonder if he might be my long-lost son from one of my countless affairs with socks.

   The doctor told me not to lift anything heavy... so I'm going to have to start sitting down when I pee.

   I can text my bank and they will text me back my balance... I could do without the LOL at the end of it though.

   drinking at the bar so I took a bus home. That may not be a big deal to you... but I've never driven a bus before.

   When people tell me I can't do something, I prove them wrong by complaining about it on Facebook.