Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Shout out to all my friends who never post, like or say anything on Facebook, You're my heroes! But if you silent friend's could do me one little favor and like just this one status so I'll know your still out there breathing and actually give a damn wha
←Rate | 03-01-2019 12:40 by moon Comments (0)  

   messageicon My kids can worship Satan all they want as long as they don’t listen to nickelback
←Rate | 03-01-2019 11:39 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My weight doubles my SAT score.
←Rate | 03-01-2019 11:24 by ThePrez Comments (0)  

   messageicon I see the mother in law's put up a new profile pic! It's got 23 yikes already!
←Rate | 03-01-2019 06:13 by Truman Comments (0)  

   messageicon My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm. I gave her the glue stick by mistake. She's still not talking to me...
←Rate | 02-28-2019 16:34 by Gabe Comments (0)  

   messageicon Lets be honest and Like this status if your like me and play with the words you post like a can of Campbell's alphabet soup.
←Rate | 02-28-2019 14:29 by Moon Comments (0)  

   messageicon It's hard to be a straight guy these days. I'm all for equal pay and treatment for women but I also love titties...
←Rate | 02-28-2019 14:08 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I went to the doctor with hearing problems. He asked “Can you describe the symptoms?” I said “Homer is a fat bald man and Marge has blue hair.”
←Rate | 02-28-2019 10:22 by DJ Comments (0)  

   messageicon Thank you, True Crime, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
←Rate | 02-27-2019 07:54 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Raise the age to buy guns? What this country really needs to do is raise the age of puberty.
←Rate | 02-27-2019 07:50 Comments (0)  

   messageicon A duck is standing next to a busy road, cars zooming past while he waits for a break in traffic. A chicken walks up to him and says, "Don't do it, man. You'll never hear the end of it."
←Rate | 02-27-2019 07:41 Comments (0)  

   messageicon KFC has teamed up with scientists in the U.K. to create edible coffee cups made with cookies and wrapped in sugar. It's perfect if you've ever wanted to wake up and give up at the same time.
←Rate | 02-27-2019 05:59 Comments (0)  

   messageicon filled the lip gloss with crazy glue, it is gonna be a quiet and peaceful week for sure.
←Rate | 02-26-2019 22:38 by marco86 Comments (0)  

   messageicon your first Baby's father doesnt count. that was just checking if you can have kids
←Rate | 02-26-2019 15:59 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Dear R.Kelly you have no idea how much trouble Urine
←Rate | 02-26-2019 12:41 by RedCountyJitney Comments (0)  

   messageicon Okay buddy if you want to sit behind me and honk your horn for waving someone ahead of me at four-way stop sign then I think I'll do the polite thing and wave the next five cars on while I update my current status.
←Rate | 02-26-2019 11:30 by Moon Comments (0)  

   messageicon Somebody clearly missed the opportunity of a lifetime when they called the game Mario Kart instead of Mario Speedwagon.
←Rate | 02-26-2019 11:04 by HotTea Comments (0)  

   messageicon When you work hard, save your money, go out and buy that expensive thing you've always wanted, then your lazy friend says "Must be nice."
←Rate | 02-26-2019 06:42 Comments (2)  

   messageicon Did I miss the grammys again! darn that makes like 10 years in a row.
←Rate | 02-25-2019 22:24 by Moon Comments (0)  

   messageicon Going forward, they now be called the New England PayForIts.
←Rate | 02-25-2019 19:40 Comments (0)  

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