Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon My favourite part of Football is when they feed the players water like they’re Hamsters
←Rate | 02-18-2024 08:06 Comments (0)  


   messageicon hooray! you are the 99th person to view this message. Press command + w (or ctrl+w) to earn your prize :)
←Rate | 02-16-2024 22:44 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you honk at me .025 seconds after the light turns green I'm going to put my vehicle in park, adjust my seat, check my tire pressure, change my oil, return some emails, eat a snack, read a book, brush my teeth, nap, and build a LEGO set.
←Rate | 02-16-2024 05:43 by GaryKoenig Comments (0)  


   messageicon Kids, beer is low in vitamins so it's important to drink lots of them.
←Rate | 02-15-2024 14:15 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If I worked at a restaurant on Valentine's Day I'd put a fake engagement ring in every girl's drink or dessert. Then I'd sit back and watch the madness unfold at every table.
←Rate | 02-15-2024 05:48 by GaryKoenig Comments (0)  


   messageicon If a f#% chic is the equivalent of a b#%! dude. I really need to do something about my weight. I don't want to Roll like that
←Rate | 02-14-2024 02:46 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I never let anyone drive me crazy, because I know it's within walking distance!
←Rate | 02-13-2024 16:51 by @ttmichael09 Comments (0)  


   messageicon BRB.... am I more than you bargained for yea.
←Rate | 02-13-2024 14:01 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm a firm believer that every traffic jam begins with one idiot.
←Rate | 02-13-2024 09:11 by GaryKoenig Comments (0)  


   messageicon The difference between humans and animals? Animals would never allow the dumbest ones to lead the pack.
←Rate | 02-12-2024 09:31 by GaryKoenig Comments (0)  


   messageicon Guys, if the relationship fails, don't blame her only. It takes 2 people to mess up a relationship. Blame her and her mother.
←Rate | 02-11-2024 10:47 by GaryKoenig Comments (0)  


   messageicon Don’t forget to pay your taxes by April 15 because 30+ million illegal aliens are depending on you
←Rate | 02-11-2024 06:16 by BoneHead Comments (0)  


   messageicon I was watching a TV show on the top ten ways to avoid a shark attack. I was shocked to hear that "stay out of the water" wasn't number one.
←Rate | 02-10-2024 08:17 by GaryKoenig Comments (0)  


   messageicon Have you ever noticed that all the instruments searching for intelligent life are pointing away from earth?
←Rate | 02-09-2024 06:02 by GaryKoenig Comments (0)  


   messageicon People who cheat on their taxes disgust me...this is not the world I want to raise my 32 dependents in! 😉
←Rate | 02-07-2024 13:10 by CoolguyB Comments (0)  


   messageicon If what you have to say to me is going to take longer than the song "Bohemian Rhapsody" just don't! I won't be listening anyway
←Rate | 02-07-2024 10:37 by @ttmichael09 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill. Tomorrow my goal is to turn it on.
←Rate | 02-07-2024 05:55 by GaryKoenig Comments (0)  


   messageicon I once dated a woman who wore crotchless underwear. After our 3rd date, she said, "Hey, big boy. You want some of this?" I said, "Heck no. Look what it did to your underwear!"
←Rate | 02-06-2024 06:18 by BoneHead Comments (0)  


   messageicon I went to the paint store to get thinner. It didn't work.
←Rate | 02-06-2024 06:02 by GaryKoenig Comments (0)  


   messageicon This is our Mahoment!!
←Rate | 02-05-2024 12:32 Comments (0)  




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