Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon It's really cold out there folks. If you're heading out to Walmart, please wear two pairs of pajamas.
←Rate | 01-04-2019 15:48 by Bob Comments (0)  

   messageicon The best way to smuggle drugs across the border is to place them up a dogs butt. That way when the drug sniffing dog investigates, the officer will think that the dog is just being friendly.
←Rate | 01-04-2019 15:09 by Joker Comments (0)  

   messageicon Went for a check up, everything was normal, except the doctor stuck is finger up my butt...... I need to get a new dentist.
←Rate | 01-04-2019 14:25 by Joker Comments (0)  

   messageicon I was walking on the beach yesterday when I noticed this guy in the ocean splashing around and yelling " shark, help, shark!!" I just laughed, I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.
←Rate | 01-04-2019 14:03 by Bob Comments (0)  

   messageicon If anyone is interested, I'll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 5 p.m. until security escorts me out the door.
←Rate | 01-04-2019 13:59 by Bob Comments (0)  

   messageicon Ladies being mistaken for a hooker is same as us straight guys getting hit on by gay guys.
←Rate | 01-04-2019 12:36 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Last night my wife came to me wearing a sexy policewoman costume and said "You're charged with being good in bed." But after about two minutes the charges were dropped due to lack of hard evidence. FML.
←Rate | 01-04-2019 12:06 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I downloaded a song illegally in Jamaica. Now I'm a Pirate of the Caribbean.
←Rate | 01-04-2019 09:31 Comments (1)  

   messageicon I need something like an Epi-Pen, but with caffeine.
←Rate | 01-04-2019 09:17 Comments (0)  

   messageicon they say you should never tell a joke about blind people, oh yeah? watch me
←Rate | 01-03-2019 21:33 by luka Comments (0)  

   messageicon I wonder what facebook employees do to kill time at work?
←Rate | 01-03-2019 09:37 by Moon Comments (0)  

   messageicon I may need a helping hand with my New Year's resolution in giving up masterbating.
←Rate | 01-03-2019 03:20 by Joker Comments (1)  

   messageicon A good husband remembers his wife's birthday, but not her age.
←Rate | 01-03-2019 02:56 by Joker Comments (1)  

   messageicon If a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.50 a minute.
←Rate | 01-03-2019 02:54 by Joker Comments (2)  

   messageicon My mother never saw the iorny in calling me a s.o.b.
←Rate | 01-03-2019 02:48 by Joker Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you don't have an address on your house to make it easy to find then you need to address that!
←Rate | 01-02-2019 20:56 Comments (0)  

   messageicon *Angry after wasting 5 hours trying to craft a beer joke.... " This was entirely hopless!"
←Rate | 01-02-2019 20:17 by Snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon Why does it seem that most of the women and men who rant at people just minding their own business are overweight, have missing teeth and uneducated?
←Rate | 01-02-2019 18:20 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My New Years resolution, to screw them before they screw me.
←Rate | 01-02-2019 15:44 Comments (0)  

   messageicon t takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
←Rate | 01-02-2019 10:03 Comments (0)  

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