Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
←Rate | 11-07-2019 11:18 Comments (0)  

   messageicon A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
←Rate | 11-07-2019 11:15 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Adulting is putting back a pack of chicken for $8.58 because you see one for $8.17...
←Rate | 11-07-2019 11:11 by Gabe Comments (0)  

   messageicon Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
←Rate | 11-07-2019 10:08 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I’m aging like a fine banana
←Rate | 11-07-2019 09:47 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Once again the Aflac duck balloon will be at the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. And if you think that’s weird, wait till you see the balloon for that old guy from the Cialis commercials.
←Rate | 11-07-2019 05:35 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The Toronto Zoo is planning to split up a pair of gay penguins. You know how they're going to split them up? By giving the penguins just one ticket to see “Mamma Mia.”
←Rate | 11-07-2019 05:32 Comments (0)  

   messageicon At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
←Rate | 11-07-2019 05:29 Comments (0)  

   messageicon : I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned. True story.
←Rate | 11-07-2019 05:28 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I love when you look into someone's eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
←Rate | 11-07-2019 05:28 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
←Rate | 11-07-2019 05:27 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Cowboy: This town ain't big enough for the both of us ME: I'll be staying indoors almost all the time Cowboy: ok cool
←Rate | 11-07-2019 05:27 Comments (0)  

   messageicon *At the checkout Cashier: How many croissants? M: Four *Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face. M: Um six
←Rate | 11-07-2019 05:27 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses. That’s me in a nutshell.
←Rate | 11-07-2019 05:26 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
←Rate | 11-07-2019 05:26 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
←Rate | 11-07-2019 05:26 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
←Rate | 11-07-2019 05:25 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Hey, the 1700's called, they said please invent telephones.
←Rate | 11-06-2019 14:48 Comments (0)  

   messageicon It's not a real hangover until you bring a pillow into the bathroom.
←Rate | 11-06-2019 13:15 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My door bell is a recording of a shotgun being racked.
←Rate | 11-06-2019 13:12 Comments (0)  

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