Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me when I was a kid but now they just whisper something stupid I did two months ago.
←Rate | 09-06-2019 12:24 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
←Rate | 09-06-2019 12:20 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Worst thing about visiting an art gallery is when my 10 year old nephew yells 'who arted' and I feel I failed as I should've thought of that joke
←Rate | 09-06-2019 12:19 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
←Rate | 09-06-2019 12:17 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
←Rate | 09-06-2019 12:17 Comments (0)  

   messageicon good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
←Rate | 09-06-2019 12:17 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
←Rate | 09-06-2019 12:16 Comments (0)  

   messageicon No, Facebook camera, I just sat on the toilet, I don't want to take a picture to commemorate the moment.
←Rate | 09-06-2019 12:15 Comments (0)  

   messageicon It's with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all! My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y'all or him. So, I'm gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber ..
←Rate | 09-06-2019 12:15 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal* Her: smells great in there, and I hear you're playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
←Rate | 09-06-2019 12:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Trump: “a great leader like me always keeps his opponents iin the dark”. Also Trump: “I think I’ll tweet a dozen times about my China trade strategy and exactly how it’s working”.
←Rate | 09-06-2019 12:10 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Sorry, but sleeping with someone named "Stormy" doesn't make you an expert on hurricanes.
←Rate | 09-06-2019 11:52 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you grew up playing “lawn darts” with your siblings, your parents had too many kids and were trying to thin the herd.
←Rate | 09-06-2019 11:47 by DJJackson Comments (0)  

   messageicon Garfield: I hate Mondays Therapist: You don't even have a job
←Rate | 09-06-2019 08:20 Comments (0)  

   messageicon With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don't time.
←Rate | 09-06-2019 04:34 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
←Rate | 09-06-2019 04:33 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I’m really bad at impressions but I’ll give it a shot: This is my impression of a man that went into a coma in 2014 and woke up in 2019. “Seriously? That dude? Aaand scene.
←Rate | 09-06-2019 01:09 Comments (0)  

   messageicon For $250/hr I will pose as a couples counselor and tell your partner they are wrong about everything.
←Rate | 09-05-2019 23:48 by Gripenfelter Comments (0)  

   messageicon Thank you for your services, majotity.
←Rate | 09-05-2019 23:43 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I went to KFC yesterday and when I was done licking my fingers, I offered to lick other peoples fingers. Long story short. I need bail money.
←Rate | 09-05-2019 20:42 by DJJackson Comments (0)  

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