Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Maybe it's the washer and not the dryer that steals the socks.
←Rate | 08-03-2018 15:46 by Ha.ha Comments (0)  

   messageicon Apple is now valued at 1 trillion dollars which is the same as the Gross Domestic Product of Florida... But that's comparing Apples to Oranges
←Rate | 08-03-2018 13:30 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Don't come to me for advice.. we'll end up buying a bottle.
←Rate | 08-03-2018 10:55 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Well! survival talk to a group of backpackers went very well last night!..they were all on the edge of their seats!
←Rate | 08-03-2018 07:23 by Truman Comments (0)  

   messageicon People spend a fortune on insect proofing their houses and buying fly-spray..then eat in the garden?
←Rate | 08-03-2018 07:13 by Truman Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you're going to be a smartass, you must first be smart. Otherwise, you're just an ass.
←Rate | 08-03-2018 06:56 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I t.hink I. hav.e ina.dverte.ntly tak.en one .of my wif.e's c.ontrol pi.lls beca.use m.y perio.ds irr.egu.lar
←Rate | 08-03-2018 05:42 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I don't mean to sound raci$t but two men should never get married!
←Rate | 08-03-2018 00:45 by hillbilly Comments (0)  

   messageicon relax sit back and have a glass of bleach
←Rate | 08-02-2018 23:21 Comments (0)  

   messageicon "Let me stick my straw in your juice box" - flirting is easy
←Rate | 08-02-2018 22:59 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You laugh at my fanny pack until you need some damn ibuprofen
←Rate | 08-02-2018 22:57 Comments (0)  

   messageicon "Collusion is not a crime." Unless it was done by Hillary.
←Rate | 08-02-2018 21:52 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Having sex while listening to music would have been a lot more awkward in the 1500's.
←Rate | 08-02-2018 19:13 Comments (0)  

   messageicon What's the matter with you guys? Did you break your laugh box or something?
←Rate | 08-02-2018 18:25 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon Wives, husbands talk in their sleep because it's the only time they get a chance to talk.
←Rate | 08-02-2018 16:11 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon Me, looking at the calendar: It's August already?? WTF!
←Rate | 08-02-2018 15:17 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Who ever invented the knock knock joke should get the no bell prize.
←Rate | 08-02-2018 14:51 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon [first date] Him: Let's take the stairs! Me: I think we should see other people.
←Rate | 08-02-2018 13:23 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I travel a lot. Recently I was over there on the other couch
←Rate | 08-02-2018 13:09 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Sometimes it takes me all day to get nothing done.
←Rate | 08-02-2018 13:08 Comments (0)  

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