Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Like this status if you're the type of person who likes to carry all your groceries into your house in one trip, but then realize at the front door you have so many bags in your hands you can't get the keys out of pocket.
←Rate | 06-16-2019 14:59 by Moon Comments (0)  

   messageicon Besides my good looks, honesty, charm, witty personality and my incredible sense of humor I have to say that my greatest characteristic is my modesty.
←Rate | 06-16-2019 14:29 by Moon Comments (0)  

   messageicon Live music can sometimes take me to another place. Like today for example I saw a band who were so bad I left I went to another place.
←Rate | 06-15-2019 15:07 by Moon Comments (1)  

   messageicon Live music can sometimes take me to another place. Like today for example I saw a band who were so bad I left I went to another place spirit.
←Rate | 06-15-2019 14:13 by Moon Comments (0)  

   messageicon I don't want to live anymore I'm going on vacation to Santo Domingo
←Rate | 06-14-2019 23:18 by Frankildefons Comments (0)  

   messageicon it OK to cut in front of someone wearing all Camouflage?
←Rate | 06-14-2019 18:21 by Joker Comments (0)  

   messageicon Just once in my life I'd like to finish a project as easily as they make it seem in the how to YouTube videos.
←Rate | 06-14-2019 11:49 by Moon Comments (0)  

   messageicon Me no study, me no care, me go marry a millionaire. If he die, me no cry, me go marry another rich guy.
←Rate | 06-14-2019 08:58 Comments (0)  

   messageicon There's a prince of whales? I hope he doesn't venture into Japanese waters.
←Rate | 06-13-2019 17:47 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you gets a link called 'free porn' don't open it. It is a birus wich deactivates your spelchek and garblis up you riting. I also receibed it but lukily I dont does porn so I dint opin it. Lil
←Rate | 06-13-2019 15:05 by @wiz_of_sarcasm Comments (0)  

   messageicon Word of advice guys. When a girl says "Awe thanks, that's so sweet of you" take a hint as what she's really trying to say is "Back to the friendzone with you!"
←Rate | 06-13-2019 11:36 by Moon Comments (0)  

   messageicon Congrats on your recent weight loss! Now if only you could cardio your way to a better face
←Rate | 06-13-2019 10:02 by PongLenis Comments (0)  

   messageicon Sorry this card’s a bit late, but I guess you used to think you showed up a bit late... like bad decisions and condoms. Congrats on your new baby!
←Rate | 06-13-2019 10:00 by PongLenis Comments (0)  

   messageicon Vegetarians don't eat meat but they want their food to look like meat. Got it.
←Rate | 06-12-2019 16:26 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Two touchdowns for the US Women's team...too bad they missed that second extra point
←Rate | 06-12-2019 15:08 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm the kind of egomaniac who would walk out of an Olive Garden, bragging that I negotiated endless breadsticks into the price of the meal.
←Rate | 06-11-2019 16:28 Comments (0)  

   messageicon How to cook the perfect amount of spaghetti: Step 1. Remove from box how much you think you need. Step 2. Eliminate half the amount you thought you needed. Step 3. Invite a friend over for spaghetti if you want to skip step 2
←Rate | 06-11-2019 15:52 by moon Comments (0)  

   messageicon I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
←Rate | 06-11-2019 06:46 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Disneyland prices are now well over $100 a person, maybe now they'll buy Donald Duck some pants.
←Rate | 06-11-2019 06:46 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Bob Seger is a much improved chess player. He's been workin' on his knight moves.
←Rate | 06-11-2019 06:46 Comments (0)  

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