Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

Sort:  Recent   |  Oldest  |  Rating
Filter On | Filter Off | No Trump

Search Messages:
Page: 6 of 5965

   messageicon You know you're fat when you only need a cup of water in the tub when taking a bath.
←Rate | 01-13-2020 00:29 by Starman Comments (0)  

   messageicon Just about all husbands lie on their tax returns by listing them self as head of household.
←Rate | 01-12-2020 22:05 by Starman Comments (0)  

   messageicon I very much doubt God wants you to hate anyone.
←Rate | 01-12-2020 18:13 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Fact checking is hate speech!
←Rate | 01-12-2020 18:10 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
←Rate | 01-12-2020 15:43 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Me come to US of A to kill moose and squirrel. Somehow me marry fat, old, rich guy who never shutting up and live too long.
←Rate | 01-12-2020 14:36 by MelaniaTrump Comments (0)  

   messageicon 1719: We can only pray the harvest will provide enough food to last the winter. Now: They had a sale on the 15 pound tubs of peanut butter at Costco, so I got 4.
←Rate | 01-12-2020 12:10 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Don't advertise "All You Can Eat" then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
←Rate | 01-12-2020 12:08 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I can't stand little kids, I know I was once one. But seriously can't stand them...
←Rate | 01-12-2020 10:28 by MM Comments (0)  

   messageicon This just in… Harry has taken a job at Subway. He will now be referred to as “The Sandwich Artist Formerly Known as Prince”.
←Rate | 01-12-2020 10:25 by @WayneUrso Comments (0)  

   messageicon Here is a way to get rid of your unwanted junk. Pack it in an Amazon box, and place it on the porch.
←Rate | 01-11-2020 19:31 by Starman Comments (0)  

   messageicon This year my mother gave my son a drum set for Christmas. Which surprised me. I said to her don't you remember how you hated it when I played the drums when I was a kid? She replyed with a smile , I remember.
←Rate | 01-11-2020 19:06 by Starman Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm starting this new decade off right by being more environmentally conscious towards everything I do like using napkins made out of 100% recycled material exclusively available for a great price at Chipotle.
←Rate | 01-11-2020 10:54 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Hey if you think buying condoms is awkward, try returning them.
←Rate | 01-10-2020 22:06 by Starman Comments (0)  

   messageicon Selling homing pigeons is a lucrative, and well return business.
←Rate | 01-10-2020 20:50 by Starman Comments (0)  

   messageicon To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
←Rate | 01-10-2020 16:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
←Rate | 01-10-2020 16:13 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short” She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me"
←Rate | 01-10-2020 06:31 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I went to buy a set of salad plates. I asked the saleslady at Ross if they had any 8" plates. She said, "Plates are like men." I asked, "How so?" She goes, "They say 8", but they're actually 6".
←Rate | 01-10-2020 06:31 by Fazzy Comments (0)  

   messageicon *Playing pirates with my kids “I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
←Rate | 01-10-2020 06:31 Comments (0)  

Submit your own funny facebook status message here:
Status Message:

... characters left