flinnie Funny Status Messages

   "I know" - best response to someone telling you your fly is open

   After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

   I invented four new karate moves while trying to get an automatic paper towel dispenser to work

   It's amazing how many people are allergic to gluten, peanuts, and facts.

   FACT: that dog can walk on its own, professional dog walkers. What it can't do is pick up it's own poop. You're just a professional poop collector.

   When I was little we didn't have emojis. We had to put smiley face stickers on handwritten letters like a bunch of savages.

   Trying to decide what I hate more: 1. Mondays or 2. People who complain about how much they hate Mondays

   Doing some caroling! All by myself. In people's backyards. In the bushes. Very little singing. Mostly watching.

   The phrase, "Don't take this the wrong way" has a zero percent success rate.

   Does anyone else ever hear their alarm go off in the morning and immediately start rationalizing quitting your job?

   I took one of my wife's vitamins this morning if anybody wants to go shoe shopping or ask my opinion on curtains, call me

   I need to do laundry so bad I'm actually wearing Christmas stockings

   Admit it, we all feel much worse for the homeless guy's dog than we do for the homeless guy

   We now live in a time where people choose their insurance providers based on who's TV commercial is funnier

   Hey, people who jog in place when you're at a red light. Calm down. We're already judging you. Don't give us more ammo

   Here is a sentence you will never hear: "That's one manly pair of skinny jeans."

   Canadian bacon is just ham wrapped in a lie

   You'll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace

   Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.

   When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage lightbulbs.