flinnie Funny Status Messages

   When I was little we didn't have emojis. We had to put smiley face stickers on handwritten letters like a bunch of savages.

   Trying to decide what I hate more: 1. Mondays or 2. People who complain about how much they hate Mondays

   FACT: that dog can walk on its own, professional dog walkers. What it can't do is pick up it's own poop. You're just a professional poop collector.

   Doing some caroling! All by myself. In people's backyards. In the bushes. Very little singing. Mostly watching.

   Does anyone else ever hear their alarm go off in the morning and immediately start rationalizing quitting your job?

   The phrase, "Don't take this the wrong way" has a zero percent success rate.

   I need to do laundry so bad I'm actually wearing Christmas stockings

   Canadian bacon is just ham wrapped in a lie

   You'll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace

   Here is a sentence you will never hear: "That's one manly pair of skinny jeans."

   Hey, people who jog in place when you're at a red light. Calm down. We're already judging you. Don't give us more ammo

   We now live in a time where people choose their insurance providers based on who's TV commercial is funnier

   Life is unpredictable. Just when you think you've got enough lotion on your skin, you may just get the hose again.

   Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.

   When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage lightbulbs.

   My last words will be either "I wonder what this does..." or "no, you put YOUR gun down."

   I won't take a bullet for ANYONE because if I have time to jump in front of a bullet, you have time to move.

   if you're the type of neighbor that likes to scream and yell till 3am, then I'll be the type of neighbor to mow at 6am!

   As far as I can tell, the only thing ghosts do is set up obstacle courses when I have to get up in the middle of the night to pee

   People who try to get on camera in live news report backgrounds clearly haven't been punched enough in their lifetime.