flinnie Funny Status Messages

   I alternate between cautious optimism and reckless pessimism.

   Just told my dog "Don't walk in your own poop" and it strikes me as good advice to pass on to the rest of you as well. Please: don't.

   No matter how bad your day seems, just remember that someone out there has to clean the bathroom at Taco Bell.

   The only rule when a Genie grants you a wish is that you cannot wish for more wishes. Think outside the Box and wish for more Genies. The moral is that, every situation has a loop hole

   I was gonna give change to a homeless guy today, but his sign said ONE DAY IT COULD BE YOU. So, I held onto it just in case he was right

   It's amazing how many people are allergic to gluten, peanuts, and facts.

   When I was little we didn't have emojis. We had to put smiley face stickers on handwritten letters like a bunch of savages.

   FACT: that dog can walk on its own, professional dog walkers. What it can't do is pick up it's own poop. You're just a professional poop collector.

   Doing some caroling! All by myself. In people's backyards. In the bushes. Very little singing. Mostly watching.

   Does anyone else ever hear their alarm go off in the morning and immediately start rationalizing quitting your job?

   The phrase, "Don't take this the wrong way" has a zero percent success rate.

   My favorite outdoor activity is going back inside.

   LOVE putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They're so warm and cozy, and it's fun to scan the laundromat and guess whose they are.

   Lots of people out sick today. There's that new virus going around-- Unused Sick Days, apparently it's very contagious.

   You'll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace

   We now live in a time where people choose their insurance providers based on who's TV commercial is funnier

   Here is a sentence you will never hear: "That's one manly pair of skinny jeans."

   Hey, people who jog in place when you're at a red light. Calm down. We're already judging you. Don't give us more ammo

   Canadian bacon is just ham wrapped in a lie

   Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.