flinnie Funny Status Messages

   FACT: that dog can walk on its own, professional dog walkers. What it can't do is pick up it's own poop. You're just a professional poop collector.

   Trying to decide what I hate more: 1. Mondays or 2. People who complain about how much they hate Mondays

   Doing some caroling! All by myself. In people's backyards. In the bushes. Very little singing. Mostly watching.

   The phrase, "Don't take this the wrong way" has a zero percent success rate.

   Does anyone else ever hear their alarm go off in the morning and immediately start rationalizing quitting your job?

   There's a special place in hell for murderers and the guy who decided what time breakfast ends at McDonalds.

   I need to do laundry so bad I'm actually wearing Christmas stockings

   My hobbies include trying to close the elevator door before someone else gets on.

   Canadian bacon is just ham wrapped in a lie

   Hey, people who jog in place when you're at a red light. Calm down. We're already judging you. Don't give us more ammo

   Life is unpredictable. Just when you think you've got enough lotion on your skin, you may just get the hose again.

   We now live in a time where people choose their insurance providers based on who's TV commercial is funnier

   Here is a sentence you will never hear: "That's one manly pair of skinny jeans."

   You'll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace

   Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.

   When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage lightbulbs.

   I won't take a bullet for ANYONE because if I have time to jump in front of a bullet, you have time to move.

   My last words will be either "I wonder what this does..." or "no, you put YOUR gun down."

   People who try to get on camera in live news report backgrounds clearly haven't been punched enough in their lifetime.

   As far as I can tell, the only thing ghosts do is set up obstacle courses when I have to get up in the middle of the night to pee