GaryKoenig Funny Status Messages

   Christmas and Thanksgiving should be at least 6 months apart. It's insane to see these people again so soon. Absurd.

   If a liars pants really did catch on fire, watching the news would be a lot more fun!

   I pay attention to who reacts on my posts, because as soon as I get rich I'm buying you all tacos.

   I don't always go the extra mile, but when I do... It's because I missed my exit.

   I am the reason Santa has a naughty list.

   All these galaxies and planets and we ended up on the one with 40 hour work weeks.

   Dear Santa: For Christmas this year I want a fat bank account and a slim body with sexy abs, but let's not get it mixed up like you did last year.

   Dear Black Friday: We all have big screen tvs. Put those groceries on sale.

   I can't dance to save my life, but when I step in dog crap, I can moonwalk better than Michael Jackson.

   I don't feel like I'm getting older. It's more like my warranty has expired and my parts are wearing out.

   We should have a national quiet day where everyone just shuts up for 24 hours.

   Marriage tip: If your wife comes home in a bad mood and starts an argument for no reason like she does from time to time, just use this simple phrase: "My mom was right about you". This usually does the trick and stops the argument.

   Sometimes I don't feel like going to work... But then I remember I was born cute, not rich.

   I want a restraining order on everyone who doesn't wear deodorant.

   I need to stop talking to myself. I'm a bad influence.

   Disney has a new movie coming out on Disney + tomorrow. Tinker Tinkerbell meets her brother, Taco.

   You know it's going to be a bad day when your imaginary friend files a restraining order on you.

   Here's how I define marriage: Marriage is finding that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

   It takes skill to trip over cordless phones!

   My ex told me: You'll never find anyone like me. I said: That's the goal.