Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?

   Money talks...but all mine ever says is good-bye.

   I have received many kind wishes for my birthday and want to thank all those who have called, sent FB messages,texts or e-mails they are really appreciated. Special thanks to my wife for renting the Aunt Bee costume and rubber sheets for my bed time gift

   you are like the drummer from REO Speedwagon...nobody knows who you are.

   Never trust a computer you can't throw out a window

   Maybe this world is another planet's hell...

   I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.

   My girlfriend always laughs during sex---no matter what she's reading.

   thinks that it is insane that I need a background check to adopt a puppy but any moron can have a baby...

   I've just decided I want a bunch of kids with several baby mamas, so my children will all look different and I can match em' with my wardrobe

   I could never own a Jaguar because I'm embarrassed to pronounce it like the D-Bags that own them do.

   Blaming a Happy Meal your kid is too fat, is like suing a gym for losing weight.

   My teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests.

   your so vain I bet you think this status is about you

   Ladies - Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in nappies (diapers).

   never do anything you wouldnt want to explain to the paramedics

   Just got my Sketcher shape-ups now I'm gonna get in shape without ever going to the gym

   If you get mad at someone and push them down the stairs make sure it's the DOWN escalator...or you'll be there all day.

   Carry yourself like a queen and you'll attract a king. Carry yourself like a hoe and see how far you'll go.

   Interesting Factoid: Tall people earn $789 per year per inch more than shorter people.