Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   God: An invisible friend for adults

   You shouldn't say anything mean about people who can't read. You should write it instead.

   it's a quarter after one, I'm a little drunk and I need you now sounds a little better than, it's 1:15, I'm trashed & horny...

   being a mother is like Hotel California, you can check out anytime you like, but you can never leave:S

   To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

   The funny thing about driving your car off a cliff, I bet you're still hitting those brakes.

   No one ever seems to realize that when someone says, "The last thing I want to do is hurt you," basically implies that there is a list and hurting you is on it.

   An Eskimo in the North Pole was arrested on suspicion of murder. Police want to know what he was doing on the night between September and March.

   So theres a new college fraternity for sluts called Alpha Kenny Body.

   Wait, so the 3 day rule applies to calling a girl, and the 5 second rule applies to dropped food? It all makes sense now

   I got a letter from the college I graduated from... I hope it's a refund check for my murdered dreams.

   What? That's not what "do the robot" means? It's a dance? Oh god. I am SO sorry about your robot.

   "When I die I want it known I want to be buried face down, so anyone who didn't like me can KISS MY ass"!!!!!!

   eagerly anticipating getting off...of work that is ;-)

   BP stands for Beyond Petroleum, well, not anymore, BP stands now for Big Problem!

   Men: You can't live with them, but you can't have heterosexual sex without them. DAMN!!

   it's funny how the people that say "I Can't stand Drama" usually cause the most of it. but the people who say "im used to it" cause none.

   And then I was all like: "I'm really getting sick of your sh*t." And then she was all like: "To speak with a representative please say representative..." UGH!!

   do you think the creator of Snuggie is laughing his *ss off because he convinced a nation of people that its cool to wear a robe backwards?

   My check engine light is on. Someone needs to service me.