Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.

   You grow up the day you have your first real laugh - at yourself.

   I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous… everyone hasn't met me yet.

   enjoys looking at your slutty Saturday night bar photos. Get closer, Ladies. Kiss kiss. Cliche cliche. lol

   I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

   Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide." He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.

   I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at prisons and wait for parolees.

   I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.

   In my house, we pray after we eat.

   I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster.

   I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the West.

   I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.

   The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.

   My old man, I told him I'm tired of running around in circles. So he nailed my other foot to the floor.

   I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

   I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave.

   The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.

   Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.

   Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.

   I think Pringles originally intended to make tennis balls