Funny Status Messages

   Welcome to middle age, berry flavored tums are dessert now.

   Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven eight nine.

   Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.

   Not seeing a single action figure at the adult toy store.

   The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.

   How can you tell it’s a dogwood tree? By the bark.

   When someone is telling a sad story and crying, how long should you wait before taking a bite of your corndog?

   Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian.

   The border, inflation, and energy crisis are intentional.

   We don’t hear much about people from the Left being allowed back on Twitter. Why? Because blacklisting has been deployed as a one-way operation against the Right.

   Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.

   Cleaning up with children around is like shoveling during a blizzard.

   My pronoun is, Welp

   Please keep your opinions and microdroplets to yourself.

   What’s the difference between an apple and an orphan? Apples get picked.

   Opportunity does not knock; it presents itself when you beat down the door.

   The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form.

   I look better in person.

   You are the carbon they want to reduce.

   That awkward moment when you’re wearing Nike’s, but you still can’t do it.