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A Citizen's Arrest for the next person who asks me if I'm ready for Christmas.
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12-03-2019 13:50
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The doctors office plays HGTV so I can feel bad about my body and my house
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12-03-2019 14:45
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Tip:No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
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12-03-2019 15:11
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Dove chocolate tastes way better than their soap.
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12-03-2019 15:12
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idk who "go round" is but all the kids on the playground want to marry her
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12-03-2019 21:21 by
Eddy
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If Meth could stand up straight, put on dirty clothes, take drugs, date its cousin and sing crappy music, it would look like Kid Rock.
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12-04-2019 00:04
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Don't judge me on the choices I have made when you don't know the options I had to choose from.
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12-04-2019 07:49
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Alexa chk my bank balance n tell wich Apple product I can afford..Alexa:Apple juice
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12-04-2019 08:55
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What's up with that song "Up on the housetop, reindeer paws"? Somebody wasn't paying attention in biology class...
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12-04-2019 09:08
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Some good tax news for you Michigan trolls. The IRS announced today that you can write off your Michigan Wolverine football season tickets as a total loss.
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12-04-2019 10:40
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And suddenly the neighbors who left their Christmas lights up all year seem like geniuses.
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12-04-2019 12:21
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Best Movie Line Ever: "Step forward, Tin Man! You dare come before me, you clanking, clattering, cantankerous collection of collagenous crap?!!"
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12-04-2019 23:04
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I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
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12-05-2019 05:40
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[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean] Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
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12-05-2019 05:40
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Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
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12-05-2019 07:25
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Please respect my toddler’s need for comfort during this difficult time. Her bath is too wet.
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12-05-2019 07:26
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Putting all my laundry out on the clothesline so it smells like my neighbour's BBQ.
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12-05-2019 08:06
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I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don't care about taking off my shoes at the airport
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12-05-2019 08:06
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wife: I wish you were more romantic me *starts biting the chicken nugget I'm eating into the shape of a heart*
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12-05-2019 08:56
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My phone auto-corrected "wish you were here" to "wish you were beer". I sent it anyways...
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12-05-2019 08:57
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