Funny Status Messages

   You seem like the type of person who wears a helmet when you go jogging.

   It's a shame nothing is built in the USA anymore. Just bought a TV and it said 'Built in Antenna." I don't even know where that is.

   Disney has a new movie coming out. TinkerBell meets her brother, Taco.

   Freudian slips happen to the breast of us.

   What do you call a beat up Batman? A bruised Wayne.

   "buttcheeks" one word or should I spread them apart?

   We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and facebook can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone. Orson Welles

   museums: why doesn't anyone go to museums anymore also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them

   Facebook: Here's some other people you might know Me: Oh yes! I do know them! Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? :) Me: oh God no

   casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex

   Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more

   Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.

   The First Rule of Menopause Club: We don't talk PERIOD.

   Me: I've been thinking about getting a buzz cut Barber: I don't think you could pull it off Me: Well no, you'd have to cut it off

   I've never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can't stand cereals or baseball.

   Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this

   Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.

   Them: do something every day that scares you Me: *steps in a hole filled with spiders Me: *just screaming

   If my next of kin takes a nap.. Can I call him Napkin?

   Why do you ask me to press 1 for english when you know damn well you're going to transfer me to someone who doesn't speak english?