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If you need me I'll always be stuck behind the person who doesn't know how to use the CVS self-checkout aisle.
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09-23-2019 05:54
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I just gave my secretary a baby shower. Well, a potential baby shower. If you know what I mean.
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09-23-2019 05:58
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It only took three years but I finally finished eating that box of taquitos from Costco.
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09-23-2019 06:00
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It's a little known fact that Elton John doesn't like iceberg lettuce, he's a rocket man.
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09-23-2019 06:01
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McDonald's doesn't offer its employees direct deposit. Who's the clown who made that decision??
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09-24-2019 04:27 by
Joec
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Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
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09-24-2019 06:35
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genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
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09-24-2019 06:35
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Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband's mouth while he sleeps bc -Let's get this over with -He can eat mine -I really miss Fear Factor
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09-24-2019 06:35
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Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
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09-24-2019 06:35
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Does anyone know the cheat code to set life to easy mode?
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09-24-2019 06:36
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My phone autocorrected "gym" to "fun" so I threw it in the trash bc it's obviously broken.
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09-24-2019 06:36
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Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
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09-24-2019 06:36
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Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
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09-24-2019 06:37
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My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he's been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
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09-24-2019 06:37
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Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport. They have a budget of $430,000...
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09-24-2019 06:38
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*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, I also had a brutal leg day, I woke up again with legs
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09-24-2019 06:38
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I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
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09-24-2019 06:38
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Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away. Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
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09-24-2019 06:39
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A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
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09-24-2019 06:39
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trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here? me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
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09-24-2019 06:39
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