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"I'm going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt" -Men over 50.
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09-20-2019 15:31
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New rule at Subway: You must give the person in front of you a Wedgie if they take more than 20 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want. 2
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09-20-2019 15:31
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A taser but for people who say "it is what it is".
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09-20-2019 15:32
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I'm surprised people still ask me if I want to hold their baby given the number of times I've dropped and shattered my phone.
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09-20-2019 15:42
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Facebook birthday reminders are great as they help me realize I have absolutely no idea who this person is to unfriend.
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09-21-2019 01:01
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I got kicked out of the procrastinators club when I showed up for our first meeting..
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09-21-2019 08:16
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Remember when you were a kid and the TV set in your basement weighed 8,000 pounds?
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09-21-2019 08:17
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You know you're drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
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09-21-2019 08:19
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Me: Is that a Yeti cooler? Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
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09-22-2019 07:21
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I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
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09-22-2019 07:21
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I bet other insects hate it when they ask a caterpillar how she became a butterfly, and she's all, "Just diet and exercise, guys!"
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09-22-2019 07:23
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All I'm saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don't we run more things on toilet power?
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09-22-2019 07:24
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In your face! They are now known as The Exonerated Five now. No matter what your God says, that will never change.
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09-22-2019 23:52
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My 8 year old daughter hasn't stopped talking in 32 years
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09-23-2019 05:50
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Mind blowing literary fact: all nonfiction books take place in the same shared universe.
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09-23-2019 05:50
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tinder but it’s cats. everyone makes their cat a profile. the swiping doesn’t matter. you just. Look at cats and their interests and then look at MORE CATS
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09-23-2019 05:51
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Ugh, I hate social media. (please validate this opinion via social media)
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09-23-2019 05:51
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Diarrhea is just confirming the fact that you make poor life decisions.
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09-23-2019 05:52
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I named my hard drive That Thang, so once a month my computer asks me if I want to Back That Thang Up.
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09-23-2019 05:52
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I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y'all know who's splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
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09-23-2019 05:53
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