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Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
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09-12-2019 10:36
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My current wife doesn't like when I call her that
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09-12-2019 10:39
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Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say "Over there."
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09-12-2019 10:42
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Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
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09-12-2019 10:44
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thank you for the funny jokes and tweets again.. ahhhhh
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09-12-2019 10:46
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Someone just caught me picking my nose at a stop light. Had to just cut my losses and run the red light.
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09-12-2019 10:51
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ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here! KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
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09-12-2019 15:41
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I've been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I'm eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
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09-12-2019 15:42
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Children are the future..... but probably not your children.
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09-12-2019 21:28
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Trump’s more of a basketball guy. Can’t get enough of the Spurs.
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09-13-2019 01:07
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Teacher: You failed your exam. Student: You failed to teach me.
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09-13-2019 06:58
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spotted six Pokémon today but I don't have the app so I may need new meds..
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09-13-2019 06:58
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Maybe the Mayan world-ending prediction in 2012 was more of a suggestion
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09-13-2019 06:59
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Did this many people have birthdays before Facebook?
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09-13-2019 07:01
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I'm not in a relation"ship," I'm in a relation"barge" that's towing emotional garbage all day long.
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09-13-2019 07:02
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@shanethevein It's not so much that I'm a KE$HA hater, its more of the fact that I'm a music lover.
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09-13-2019 07:03
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The fancier the design on the back pocket of the jeans, the less fancy the person.
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09-13-2019 07:04
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How about a really bad food court where planes land? – Pitch for every airport
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09-13-2019 07:05
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One crazy fantasy I have is having any energy to do things after work.
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09-13-2019 07:07
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I'm no scientist, but wouldnt fat bottomed girls, if anything, slow the rocking world down?
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09-13-2019 07:09
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